E-Mails from an asshole

[Kaige]

This one is pretty funny too.

E-mails from an Asshole



(edit)

rofl

This one's not too funny, but all the comments under it are fucking hilarious.

E-mails from an Asshole

[CabbitCabbit]

duncan (2009-06-20 19:36:15)
i've put all the beers i've ever drank above my bed.

I cannot stop laughing.

[Solariss]

haha... shit. I actually do this a lot just to entertain myself. Never thought to make a website out of it

[Brad2770]

This website has inspired me. I needed something to do to pass the time at work.

Here is the first person i contacted. I have not heard back from her yet.

The Ad

Hi if you're wanting someone to :

Take your dog on daily walks
Make daily visits to your pets while you're away
Spend the night with your pets

I think I can really help out and would be honored to care for your pets. I charge $10 for one daily walk per day and $15 for two daily walks per day and $50 for overnight stays.
More importantly is what I can do for your pets, which is give them the love and care they deserve, to make your time away from them less stressful for you and your pet.
I have experience, references and my own transportation. Please email me or call me at 214-680-4914 if you are interested!

Christi

Me to Christi
Hello, I am very interested in your walking services. Please contact me back so that we may discuss our future agreements.

Thank you,
Daryl Carter

Christi to Me

On Sat, Jul 11, 2009 at 10:15 AM, christi ***** <*****@*****.com> wrote:


hi daryl thanks for contacting me. Were you interested in having me walk your dogs once a day or multiple times a day?

Me to Christi

Oh, no. I have no dogs that need walking.

I am a snake farmer. But don't worry, I am not asking you to walk my snakes. Actually, I think that is quite impossible.

I work in a large warehouse full of snakes (in cages, of course). My office is in the north corner of the building, which is located near the cages of the snake food- Mice. We raise and breed our own food sources for the snakes. Because of this, we have fully equipped cages- Grain for their food, Water bottles and those SQUEAKY wheels... that turn and turn and squeak and squeak.

So much squeaking that I removed the wheels so I could keep my sanity and get back to my work. It takes a lot of concentration to manually masturbate a spitting cobra. And if you are not careful, and you upset the john, he spits more at you than his millions of potential babies.

I had no idea that there would be a draw back to this action. The mice had nothing to do. They just laid around, barely moving an inch, day in and day out. Eventually, they started dying of boredom. This is costing me. I am having to buy outside food sources now. These outside food sources are not as well fed and maintained as our (squeaky) wheel occupied food sources. I have had 3 snake deaths in the last 2 days because of malnourishment.

This is where you come in. I have had 1000 specially crafted leashes made and I now need my food sources walked 2 times a day. We have nearly 5000 food sources, so this would be 10 walking sessions a day, but I feel this will be well worth your time.

Now for pay. I feel that your request of $10 per walk is reasonable. Since it would take about 1000 mice to equal a decent sized dog, then we are looking at the potential of $100 a day. Now, I would need you to be the one to leash and unleash each mouse, I do not have the time to do this myself, as I have a lot of trouser snakes to pull. No pun intended.

This is a blessing that I found your ad on *****. I really do look forward to doing business with you, Christi.

Thank you,
Daryl Carter

[Xandax]

Brad2770: That was actually quite good.
"Now, I would need you to be the one to leash and unleash each mouse" <---- Good shit...

I turned my dad and step mother onto this site and we were all crying.

[k^M]

ha, can you imagine how long it would take to leash a thousand mice? wonder what'd happen if you put them all in a giant rolling hampster ball instead

[Hathe]

I love asshole humor. It's how I PvP.

[Brad2770]

I am beginning to think that some of these started off as a real email, but after no response, he made the rest up.

I have done 6 of these now and all of them stopped talking when they realized it was a hoax.

[Venjenz]

Where this asshole got his inspiration, I guarantee

And I recommend Letters From a Nut to everyone. Pretty funny.

[tikkus]

Favorite one so far:

E-mails from an Asshole

[Hathe]

The new horse farm e-mail is fantastic.

[Leid]

Originally Posted by Hathe

The new horse farm e-mail is fantastic.

It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.

[Solariss]

haha.. I did this a while ago when I was looking for couches on craigslist. I saw a potential scammer (I believe), who bought a couch and was trying to resell it at a higher price. I dunno, though. I just responded to the ad with this because the post was pretty illegible.

"I'll buy it when you learn the English language you fucking scumbag"

She replies with:

"Wow what the fuck was that for.. That was just down right rude as hell! I didnt ask you to buy shit bitch.. I was selling my sectional and if you dont fucking like it then look some where else.. UM like the curb bitch.. Now hows my fucking language. You should never talk to a fucking lady like that you mother fucking asshole! You dont like what you see or what is writen then get the fuck off of craigslist. Instead of wasting my fucking time with your stupid airhead remarks.. Fuck nut your crack pipe wont be found on craigslist!"

I didn't go any further, but I thought it was funny that she took the time to write that out

[Hathe]

I don't even bother selling shit on craigslist. I was trying to sell my 12-string acoustic that has been gathering dust for years. So I took the strings off, buffed the body, polished the frets and found a nice spot to take some pictures before I strung it up. Listed it and someone tried to convince me, a luthier of 5 years, that THE FUCKING NECK IS GOING TO WARP BECAUSE THERE ARE NO STRINGS ON IT. I have never been so amazed at ones stupidity in my life.

[Grimmlokk]

Originally Posted by Hathe

I don't even bother selling shit on craigslist. I was trying to sell my 12-string acoustic that has been gathering dust for years. So I took the strings off, buffed the body, polished the frets and found a nice spot to take some pictures before I strung it up. Listed it and someone tried to convince me, a luthier of 5 years, that THE FUCKING NECK IS GOING TO WARP BECAUSE THERE ARE NO STRINGS ON IT. I have never been so amazed at ones stupidity in my life.

That reminds me of the time I was trying to sell my sectional sofa on Craigslist. Some mouthebreathing retard sent me a message saying he'd buy it if I learned english, then called me a scumbag. I ripped him a new one and that pussy ass faggot never responded.