Texts from Last Night

[Zhavric]

(440): i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
(330): well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth


(770): Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
(404): Who isn't?



(604): it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you


(614): Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.

[Jagannath]

(706): Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
(706): And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her


(478): So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
(410): Sounds like a really classy character....
(478): He is classy. It was argyle.

[Zhavric]

(636): It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.


(484): At the Phils game. My gay buddy just [went] up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.




(301): Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
(1-301): I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.



(651): nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent



(214): I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.


(484): I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!

[Jehryn]

(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

So fucking funny....

[Zhavric]

This site delivers.


(860): he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
(860): yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
(860): why can't men just shut up and put out?


(714): I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room


(334): nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.



(631): saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.


(774): his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.

[Err0r]

(312): Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.


(314): i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit

[AtwaKom]

(419): Want to have sex later?
(614): This feels like a trap

(616): i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.

(310): I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.

(310): Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.

[Presarc]

Representing for the Detroit Suburbs:

(586): theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.

(586): I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up

(586): I wish my penis had an off switch

(586): Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom

(810): ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth

[Zhaun's_Shade]

My state:

(401): I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.


(401): how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
(617): how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?


(401): You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.


(401): so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
(1-401): um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her


(401): i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.


(612): i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
(401): at least we're not in new jersey


(401): Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home

[EmpireF4i]

(516): He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.

Haha, this is a good idea I might do.

(916): He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics

[Zhavric]

(519): why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?


(209): He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7



(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?



(440): if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
(619): with a huge shlong
(440): massive. i wanna make bitches cry



(650): you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
(1-650): noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!

[Eida]

I actually received this series of gems the other day... am NOT making this level of psychotic up.:

"[my name] -- Next time can u fuck me hard like I'm some naughty girl that u caught doing something bad? I want u so bad, hon. U r beautiful - Mind, body, and soul. I hope we hang out again soon."

60 seconds pass, I've already sent her back home and I'm back drinking with buddies.

"Are u sure u won't be on post tomorrow at all?"

60 seconds pass.

"Are u hanging out with another girl tonight?

I reply: "No, I'm at the PX with some Marines."

60 seconds pass.

"Don't u just want to rape me and beat me? [my name] -- I really could be all u need. I'll do anything for u."

Few minutes later.

"Hello?!?!?! R u mad or something?"

"Fine. Be a little fucker and don't respond. I don't care one way or the other. In fact, I could care less. Thanks for the fuck, Marine."

"I totally risked my ass to come out and see u and u can't even respond to my texts or pick up my call? [my name], this is not the guy that I started falling for."

"Icarus shouldn't have had such great expectations. He flew too near to the sun and was cast down after feeling the fleeting taste of hope. I could have made u very happy and I would have gone to great lengths to satisfy ur every whim."

I finally reply with: "Whoa, slow down... my phone died."

60 seconds pass.

"Oops! My bad. I thought had scared u away! What did u think about my body?"

I start ignoring her again because I'm getting tanked and don't quite know what to say anymore except laugh.

Aside from a few random texts, I think shes gotten the hint now...

EDIT: I have a pic as well if someone tells me how to add it.

[Zhavric]

Originally Posted by Eida

I actually received this series of gems the other day... am NOT making this level of psychotic up.:

"[my name] -- Next time can u fuck me hard like I'm some naughty girl that u caught doing something bad? I want u so bad, hon. U r beautiful - Mind, body, and soul. I hope we hang out again soon."

60 seconds pass, I've already sent her back home and I'm back drinking with buddies.

"Are u sure u won't be on post tomorrow at all?"

60 seconds pass.

"Are u hanging out with another girl tonight?

I reply: "No, I'm at the PX with some Marines."

60 seconds pass.

"Don't u just want to rape me and beat me? [my name] -- I really could be all u need. I'll do anything for u."

Few minutes later.

"Hello?!?!?! R u mad or something?"

"Fine. Be a little fucker and don't respond. I don't care one way or the other. In fact, I could care less. Thanks for the fuck, Marine."

"I totally risked my ass to come out and see u and u can't even respond to my texts or pick up my call? [my name], this is not the guy that I started falling for."

"Icarus shouldn't have had such great expectations. He flew too near to the sun and was cast down after feeling the fleeting taste of hope. I could have made u very happy and I would have gone to great lengths to satisfy ur every whim."

I finally reply with: "Whoa, slow down... my phone died."

60 seconds pass.

"Oops! My bad. I thought had scared u away! What did u think about my body?"

I start ignoring her again because I'm getting tanked and don't quite know what to say anymore except laugh.

Aside from a few random texts, I think shes gotten the hint now...

EDIT: I have a pic as well if someone tells me how to add it.

Remember the rule... REMEMBER THE RULE:

Do not stick your dick in the crazy.

[Eida]

Originally Posted by Zhavric

Remember the rule... REMEMBER THE RULE:

Do not stick your dick in the crazy.

Hahaha -- probably a good rule but too late

[Blumpster]

Originally Posted by Eida

EDIT: I have a pic as well if someone tells me how to add it.

Manage Attachments under "Additional Options" on the screen you type your replies into.

And damn dude, that chick is nuts.