Texts from Last Night

[Arative]

(513): Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide


(225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
(504): Who won?
(225): All of them.

[Himeo]

Local makes it more fun.

(909): I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.

(909): good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant

(909): dude i'm inner monologue high

(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

[Hasto]

Local -

(703): maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
(859): i did. i'm using it as a microphone.


(703): Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor


(757): DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
(703): I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.



(703): i really like this girl i slept with last night
(202): you ask her out again?
(703): yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married



(571): shaved balls and baby powder=awesome

[Aulirophile]

Some the stuff in my local is repeats, but I don't think these have been posted.

(805): I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.

(805): i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?

(805): before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

(805): She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up

[Zehn - Vhex]

My area code is boring. 8(

(920): I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

[TheYanger]

A few I enjoyed from the sacramento area:
(916): Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
(1-916): High five!

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

(916): Hey you
(732): You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?

(562): The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
(916): Awkward!
(562): No he was cute and I said yes!

[Zinke]

(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that

God I want someone to make a spoof of the commercial with that one.

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I like that cause it's happened to real friends of mine, so I believe it. Living in Palm Beach county, used to paying almost 10 bucks for any mixed drinks, or 7-8 for a beer.. goto a $1 beer night and feel like you're pimpin, start buying beers for other people.. get drunk and lose track.. yea.

My old area code (just moved states recently, unfortunately.. )
(561): I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes

This makes me lol cause we had a friend get so drunk he passed out on his pancakes at IHOP once. After waking him up once, his plate barely touched, someone asked if they could have some. He then grabbed the food on his plate with his hand, head on table, brought it to his mouth and slathered it over his face. We couldn't stop laughing, he rolls his head over onto the plate and is out like a light. We finish eating, cracking up constantly the whole time, pay the bill and walk outside with him still asleep on the table. We tell the waitress to wake him up in a few minutes while we watch from outside. He looked like the most confused and depraved man in the world when he woke up and realized we weren't there. We would have left him completely, but it was more fun to see his reaction when he got up, scared to shit.

The rest of them are pretty boring, though a few could easily have been people I knew, which is funny to think about.

[Diakonov]

(901): I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
(601): Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
(901): ...are you coming on to me?

(731): I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
(601): Talk to you next week

(601): I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker

(601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
(318): Alcohol?
(601): Sex with a fat chick.

[Err0r]

(405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

(512): he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

(541): So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap

(952): I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.

[Nissir]

World's largest frying pan isn't far from where I live

[Big W Powah!]

(480): The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

[Yutnopash]

(917): I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
(518): Huh?
(917): I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.

(502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
(973): I'm moving there. Get me hired.

(205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
(1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

[Mist]

(401): so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
(1-401): um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her

Good old Rhode Island. Small enough that I'm pretty sure I know the 'Mark' in question.

[CyrusReij]

Time to play the local game

(407): He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
That just made me lol

(407): I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sounds fake but still lol

and my hometown

(954): Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Lulz

(954): Your an asshole
(1-954): Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
(954): My point exactly
Could see that one being me

[Zhavric]

614 = Gold. Go BUCKS!


(614): You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.



(419): Want to have sex later?
(614): This feels like a trap


(614): Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen



(614): You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.