sappy stories from the bible

[Orbustus]

18 fun atrocities straight from the Bible [The More You Know] | I Heart Chaos

Found this on Fark today, it lightened my heart quite a bit.

[Yermum Onceme]

Don't fuck with this guy:

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name in the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and maulted forty-two of the youths.

[Round]

Originally Posted by Orbustus

18 fun atrocities straight from the Bible [The More You Know] | I Heart Chaos

Found this on Fark today, it lightened my heart quite a bit.

Cute... I love how people love to take partial verses from the bible and misuse them to mock the true message.

God burns whiners alive - what they didn't write down was the complete verse. There was preaching going on and the people were complaining about their hardships. Think of this like telling your dad how much he sucks for moving out of town to a broken home with no food because his $20,000,000 salary has been put on a halt. Yeah, he'll smack you.

Poisons Complainers - this one is simple. Do not mock God! The people in the wilderness with moses were complaining saying that the food God was giving them was nasty ( Manna ). They wanted to be spoiled, and lacked what God wanted them to be rich in (faith). Snakes bit the whiners but Moses was untouched. kk thx

Smashing Babies - Babylon city of sin. vengeance will come upon you, the city which will never rise to power again.

Angel pwnage 185k - You think this is bad? What do you think about the billions that will die in the second coming of God? Yup, keep disobeying him. Disobey the laws in our country and you go down. God doesn't care about our flesh, remember that. He cares about our spirits.

Genocide of babies - Egypt had a bunch of slaves which belonged to God ( from Israel ). They refused to hand them over to Moses so he called down punishment from God.

Cannibalism - Modern education will tell you that when you speak in that way " I will make you eat the flesh of your daughters and they will eat one anothers flesh " is a figure of speech. They will destroy each other, families against family ect. You don't have to be smart to see this.

God demands heads - what a retard. Heads = Leaders = Kings = Bosses? Clearly, read the entire verse lol. The leaders of the cult were doing sexually immoral things, so they died and moses had their bodies spread out in broad daylight.

God Commands slaughter and rape - Purging the impure. Once again in this passage Moses was purging cities of evil. Kill everyone, but save the pure women for yourselves. Obviously not for rape, because this goes against the Book of the Law, and God will have that person dead in minutes for rape.




Srsly you were actually entertaining this? This is like me making fun of you for showering with your parents when you were a little saying your family is incest. Surely it's not true, just a misinterpretation of the truth.

[spronk]

Originally Posted by Round

Cannibalism - Modern education will tell you that when you speak in that way " I will make you eat the flesh of your daughters and they will eat one anothers flesh " is a figure of speech. They will destroy each other, families against family ect. You don't have to be smart to see this.

So they turned into lesbians? FUCKING AWESOME I never knew the bible had lesbo porn, thats a whole new source of jerk material

[Salshun]

That night the angel of the LORD went out and put to death a hundred and eighty five thousand men in the Assyrian camp. When the people got up the next morning-- there were all the dead bodies! [2 Kings 19:35, New International]

No Bible I ever read had exclamation points. Or the word "Baldhead".

That New International Bible doesn't really "flow" like how the older ones were written.

[Sutekh]

Dont feel bad, I dont read bibles either.

[Lost Ranger]

Originally Posted by Salshun

That night the angel of the LORD went out and put to death a hundred and eighty five thousand men in the Assyrian camp. When the people got up the next morning-- there were all the dead bodies! [2 Kings 19:35, New International]

No Bible I ever read had exclamation points. Or the word "Baldhead".

That New International Bible doesn't really "flow" like how the older ones were written.

That is what I was thinking. Did they rewrite the thing for retards who got confused by the strange english? That verse you quoted sounds like it was written by a 12 year old.

[Salshun]

Originally Posted by Lost Ranger

That is what I was thinking. Did they rewrite the thing for retards who got confused by the strange english? That verse you quoted sounds like it was written by a 12 year old.

I did some Googling of this version, and apparently yes, it was intended to be easier to read. Also, a lot of the translations used the literal word when the figurative was intended, which is why all of these quotes sound worse than they were meant to.

[fucker]

Originally Posted by Round

Cute... I love how people love to take partial verses from the bible and misuse them to mock the true message.

God burns whiners alive - what they didn't write down was the complete verse. There was preaching going on and the people were complaining about their hardships. Think of this like telling your dad how much he sucks for moving out of town to a broken home with no food because his $20,000,000 salary has been put on a halt. Yeah, he'll smack you.

Poisons Complainers - this one is simple. Do not mock God! The people in the wilderness with moses were complaining saying that the food God was giving them was nasty ( Manna ). They wanted to be spoiled, and lacked what God wanted them to be rich in (faith). Snakes bit the whiners but Moses was untouched. kk thx

Smashing Babies - Babylon city of sin. vengeance will come upon you, the city which will never rise to power again.

Angel pwnage 185k - You think this is bad? What do you think about the billions that will die in the second coming of God? Yup, keep disobeying him. Disobey the laws in our country and you go down. God doesn't care about our flesh, remember that. He cares about our spirits.

Genocide of babies - Egypt had a bunch of slaves which belonged to God ( from Israel ). They refused to hand them over to Moses so he called down punishment from God.

Cannibalism - Modern education will tell you that when you speak in that way " I will make you eat the flesh of your daughters and they will eat one anothers flesh " is a figure of speech. They will destroy each other, families against family ect. You don't have to be smart to see this.

God demands heads - what a retard. Heads = Leaders = Kings = Bosses? Clearly, read the entire verse lol. The leaders of the cult were doing sexually immoral things, so they died and moses had their bodies spread out in broad daylight.

God Commands slaughter and rape - Purging the impure. Once again in this passage Moses was purging cities of evil. Kill everyone, but save the pure women for yourselves. Obviously not for rape, because this goes against the Book of the Law, and God will have that person dead in minutes for rape.

Srsly you were actually entertaining this? This is like me making fun of you for showering with your parents when you were a little saying your family is incest. Surely it's not true, just a misinterpretation of the truth.

sorry, Lumie was a much better religious troll

[Sutekh]

has to be trolling, no one is actually that retarded and can use a keyboard.

[darkseid]

Uh oh..

[Believe]

Seems fitting, and couldn't resist.

(Posted by Lleauaric~EW in FSR originally)

[ToeMissile]

Originally Posted by Believe

Seems fitting, and couldn't resist.

(Posted by Lleauaric~EW in FSR originally)

Pick and choose FTW.

[Round]

Originally Posted by fucker

sorry, Lumie was a much better religious troll

if correction is trolling, i feel bad for you

[splok]

Originally Posted by Round

if correction is trolling, i feel bad for you

It's interesting that six and a half of your eight "corrections" are actually agreeing with the article... Apparently you think the "true message" is that God is a spiteful prick.