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08-27-2009, 01:27 PM
| #751 (permalink) |
| Registered User  Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Redding, Ca
Posts: 2,786
+45 Internets | Racist jokes Why do black people drive convertables with the windows and the top up? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Black kid asked his dad, "Dad, I have the biggest dick in the third grade. Is it because I'm black?" Spoiler Alert, click show to read: A black man with a parrot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?" Spoiler Alert, click show to read:
__________________ Tyen is a power hungry admin. He abused his power and hacked his internets. Give him -internets to offset this injustice. Last edited by homsar; 08-27-2009 at 01:39 PM.. |
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09-08-2009, 12:45 AM
| #754 (permalink) |
| Give me hairless cooch or give me death!  Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Florida
Posts: 5,336
+200 Internets | A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope..." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say ?" He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
__________________ --If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless. |
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09-10-2009, 02:32 AM
| #755 (permalink) |
| 'Stuff' is a technical term.  Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 77
| Racist, Sexist, and Otherwise Offensive Jokes How do you starve a nigger? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you say to a nigger in a three piece suit? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you call a nigger in a three piece suite? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you call 100 niggers buried up to their necks in your yard? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How do you keep 5 niggers from raping a white woman? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: I'm not racist... Spoiler Alert, click show to read: There are niggers in my family tree... Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why don't Mexicans BBQ? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you call 2 Mexicans in a sleeping bag? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why do Mexicans drive low-riders? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why there were only 100 Mexicans at the Alamo? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why do Mexicans have small steering wheels in their low-riders? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How can you tell if a Mexican has been in your back yard? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why wasn't Jesus Christ born in Mexico? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you call a 14 year old virgin Mexican girl? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: If a black guy and a Mexican are in a car, who's driving? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you get when you cross a nigger and a mexican? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why do Jews have big noses? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How was copper wire invented? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Have you heard about the new Jewish car? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why is money green? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagon Bug? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why did the woman cross the road? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why do women have smaller feet than men? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How many women does it take to change a light bulb? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What's the first thing a woman does upon returning home from a battered woman's shelter? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How are a blond and a gun alike? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How are a blond and a turtle alike? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What's the difference between a blond and a 747? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: If a blond and a redhead jump off a building who will hit first? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you get when you stand three blonds on their heads? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you call three blonds standing shoulder to shoulder? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you call a blond who dyes her hair a different color? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What do you call a smart blond? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How can you tell if a hippie stayed the night at your house last night? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How do you starve a hippie? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Last edited by DiGiTaLFDS; 09-10-2009 at 02:36 AM.. |
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09-10-2009, 11:11 PM
| #756 (permalink) |
| Give me hairless cooch or give me death! Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Florida
Posts: 5,336
+200 Internets | The Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing... The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
__________________ --If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless. |
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09-11-2009, 02:37 AM
| #757 (permalink) |
| 'Stuff' is a technical term. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 77
| Why do blonds wear panties? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why do blonds wear big hoop earrings? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why did the blond put red lipstick around her bellybutton? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: Why did the blond wear green lipstick? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are all standing at the bank of a rushing river trying to figure out how to get across. The redhead says, "I wish I could fly over the river." POOF! She becomes a bird and soars over the river and lands delicately on the opposite bank and turns back to herself. The brunette says, "I wish I could swim well enough to across the river." POOF! She becomes a fish and swims nimbly across the river to the opposite bank and turns back to herself. The blond stood all alone looking across the river taking quite a while to think and think and finally says, "Gosh, I wish I was smarter than those two so I could figure out how to get across the river too..." POOF! Spoiler Alert, click show to read: |
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09-11-2009, 02:54 AM
| #758 (permalink) |
| 'Stuff' is a technical term. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 77
| A man walks into a doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While patiently waiting his turn, he casually strikes up a conversation with the man sitting next to him. Man: "So, uh, why are you here today?" 2nd: "Well, it was the strangest thing I ever saw, but when I woke up this morning I had bright red splotches all over my dick!" Man: "Wow, that's really similar to the reason I'm here." 2nd: "Why are you here?" Man: "Well when I awoke this morning, I found bright green splotches all over my penis." 2nd: "Woah! That's fucking weird man!" They continue with casual conversation until the 2nd man is called in to see the doctor. A few moments later he comes out of the exam room, and while on his way out the door he says to the first man, "Don't worry buddy, everythings A-OK!" The man breathes a small sigh of relief. A few minutes later he is called in to see the doctor. He explains his problem to the doctor, and shows the doctor his penis. The man asks, "So Doc, everything A-OK?" The doctor looks at him sternly and says, "No, we're going to have to amputate your penis immediately." The man is in complete shock and utterly horrified. He exclaims "But what about the guy before me with the bright red splotches on his dick? You told him everything was A-OK!" As the doctor is writing notes in the man's chart he looks up for a second to say, "There's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene!" |
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09-11-2009, 03:07 AM
| #759 (permalink) |
| 'Stuff' is a technical term. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 77
| How does a blond turn on the light after sex? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What is a blond's mating call? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What is a brunette's mating call? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: What is a redhead's mating call? Spoiler Alert, click show to read: |
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09-11-2009, 03:16 AM
| #760 (permalink) |
| 'Stuff' is a technical term. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 77
| Dividing Wall A carpenter is called out to a brothel where the madam asks him if he can put up a dividing wall to make one large room into two smaller rooms. He tells her that he can, and informs her that it will cost her $500. She agrees and he gets to work immediately. A few hours later the carpenter is finished, and he approaches the madam to collect his money. The madam starts batting her eyes at him and asks him in her most sultry and seductive voice, "Maybe you'd like to take it in trade?" He politely declines and tells her that he's not really interested in that sort of thing, and that he'd really just prefer to take his money and be on his way. The madam is relentless and asks him over and over if there is any other arrangement they can reach. Finally the man gives in and says "Ok, I'll take your trade, but it must be with you!" The madam thinks about it for a moment and agrees. She leads him back to one of the rooms, and in no time he has her naked with his index finger in her ass and his thumb in her cunt. He squeezes his finger and thumb together until they're almost touching, looks the madam dead in the eyes and says "Now give me my god damned money or I'll rip out the fucking dividing wall!" |
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09-30-2009, 02:01 PM
| #761 (permalink) |
| Give me hairless cooch or give me death! Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Florida
Posts: 5,336
+200 Internets | A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. "Yes?", asks St. Peter. "I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. St. Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here" .
__________________ --If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless. |
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09-30-2009, 02:39 PM
| #762 (permalink) |
| It's a party in the USA  Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,046
| WOMAN'S IN LABOR, HAVING BABIES, SHE BLACKS OUT, THERES BEEN COMPLICATIONS, HER HUSBAND IS UNAVAILABLE, SHE WAKES UP TWO DAYS LATER, AND SAYS WHERE ARE MY BABIES, NURSE SAYS "YOU DELIVERED TWINS, ONE BOY, AND ONE GIRL, SUCCESSFULLY, HOWEVER THE STATE REQUIRED WE NAME THEM WITHIN 24 HOURS OF BIRTH AND YOU'VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR 48 AND WE COULDN'T REACH YOUR HUSBAND, SO WE CALLED YOUR BROTHER, AND SHE SAID "OH NO, WHAT DID THAT RETARD NAME THEM" AND SHE SAID WELL HE NAMED THE GIRL DENISE" AND SHE SAID "THATS A LOVELY NAME, I'M VERY PLEASED, WHAT DID HE NAME THE BOY?" "DENEPHEW"
__________________ Hello, my name is Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Martyr Patricio Clito Ruíz y Picasso. |
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09-30-2009, 05:20 PM
| #763 (permalink) |
| Seek the fireflies  Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 308
| this is probably the most epic fail thread in history. wow.
__________________ EQ2~40 Shadowknight/Ignacious(Retired)~Guk EQ~60 Rogue/Faldren(Retired)~Xegony WoW~80 Hunter/Akerfeldt(Retired)~Mal'Ganis |
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11-19-2009, 03:41 PM
| #765 (permalink) |
| Their, there and they're...it's really not that hard  Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 84
+2 Internets | THE PERFECT HUSBAND Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: 'Hello' WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?' MAN: 'Yes' WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?' MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.' WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.' MAN: 'How much?' WOMAN: ' $ 90,000' MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.' WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 980,000' MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.' WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!' MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?' |
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