Good Jokes - Post some

[Mcpickle Deluxe]

Why can't black people play in sandboxes?






Because cats keep trying to bury them.

[Wolfen]

Don't think this has been posted before...can't remember.

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle-aged gentlemen named Antonio was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he proceeded to rattle her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Antonio reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time he thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Antonio smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Antonio reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Antonio fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

[Wolfen]

Judge Judy to prostitute; "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the check bounced."

[Wolfen]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender.

'But, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out!

[Wolfen]

An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand, clears his throat, and says: "I think me wife over there may have caught a glimpse...!"

[Wolfen]

An Aussie refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it.

So, against the rules but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.

There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.

'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector

'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realizing the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.

'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.

'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'

'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin. ' I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister........!'

[Quineloe]

A couple comes to therapy.
"Can you watch us have sex?"
The therapist agrees. When they're done, he tells them "I can't see anything strange about the way you're having sex" and charges them 80€.

They return the next week and have more sex and the week after.

After a month of this, the therapist has to ask

"Look, I've watched you five times now and never noticed anything unusual. Why are we having these sessions, what do you want me to see?"
The man looks at him and replies
"Well, she's married, so we can't go to her, I'm married so that's out too, the cheapest hotel that's good enough for us charges 99€ so this place here offers three advantages
1. perfect alibi
2. this is the cheapest option to begin with and
3. my health insurance covers 50%!"

[Neuad]

What do lesbians cook for dinner?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

They don't cook, they just eat out

What do two lesbian lovers do when they're both menstruating?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

They finger paint!

What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Well hung

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Ya'know, we do taste like chicken. . .

Why were lesbians invented?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

So that feminists wouldn't breed

Two lesbians are walking down the street with their hand in each others pockets, what are they doing?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Lip reading

[Wolfen]

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple Scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps it down in one swoop. "Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. What's up with you?" says the
Bartender

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"That's terrible pal, the next drink is on the House." So the bartender gives him another triple Scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't Mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"

[Picasso]

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody; it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.. As a last resort he went to a local church and poured out his story of tears and woe to the Priest

When he had finished, the Priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.

Open the Bible; the wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the Priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom tailored suit, his wife had on expensive jewelry, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, and gave it to the Priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The Priest was extremely curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11"

[Sutekh]

I dont get it.

[Dr. Rubicite]

Originally Posted by Sutekh

I dont get it.

At first I was like, "You're a fucking retard", but then I realized I don't get it either. Chapter 11 = filing for bankruptcy, so why would he be rich now?

And a joke:

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar...

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Get it?

[Sheyjal]

Originally Posted by Dr. Rubicite

At first I was like, "You're a fucking retard", but then I realized I don't get it either. Chapter 11 = filing for bankruptcy, so why would he be rich now?

Bailout joke, perhaps?

[Picasso]

The next time someone here is playing basketball and you're getting mugged on a rebound

yell out GOD DAMN, ET TU BRUTE


that is the joke.

[Wolfen]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside a Arizona immigration office.

' Good man, ' the fairy said, ' I ' ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children. '

The man told the fairy. ' Well, where I come from we don ' t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them. '

The fairy looked at the man ' s almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

' What else? ' asked the fairy, ' two more to go. '

The refugee claimant now got bolder. ' I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here . ... . and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

' One more wish ' , said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans . . . and -- PING! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

' What happened to my new teeth? ' he wailed. ' Where is my new house? '

The fairy said ' Tough shit, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself. '