Good Jokes - Post some

[decairn]

I had to visit the RSCPA office today. It's tiny in there, not enough room to swing a cat.

[Hunno]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown New Orleans sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the crap out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."

[Hayrab]

Hope its not a report, haven't read this entire thread, but here is one I got in an email today.

The Lawyer and the Redneck
A lawyer and a redneck were sitting next to each other on a
long flight. The lawyer thinks that rednecks are so dumb
that he could easily get one over on this one. So the lawyer
asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The
redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
After a while, the lawyer persists, "The game is a lot
of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!!!" That
caught the redneck's attention and he agrees to play the
game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the
distance from the Earth to the moon?" The redneck
doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Then, the
redneck asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses
his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone;
he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He
sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no
avail. After an hour of searching he finally gives up. He
wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets
the $500 goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts
not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks,
"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?" So, the redneck reaches in his pocket,
hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with us rednecks. We only talk dumb....

[Shred]

A black guy and a mexican jump off a building in a race to see who gets to the ground first. Who wins?





Society.

[Erumaron]

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in."

So St. Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died.
"Well, I'd been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn't find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But what really angered me was that he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! I was so mad I grabbed the refrigerator, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. Unfortunately I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died."

St. Peter was taken aback, and said "While you did die in a dramatic fashion, I think we need to look at that whole second degree murder before we let you in - off to limbo with you." He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.

"I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing! I grabbed furiously at the railing and slipped, but managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn't possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but when he got a hammer and started hitting me I finally couldn't hold on anymore and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! Just as I'm coming around, I look up and BAM this refrigerator lands on me. So here I am."

St. Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.

"Picture this: I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

[Wolfen]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick
them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under
her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit
his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the
kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked
under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted
that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it
will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that
since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John
should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed
and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she
assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best
poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[Uber Uberest ~Rathe]

What do you get when you breed a pitbull with a collie?





A dog that bites your face-off and then runs for help.

[krozman]

3 nuns were painting a room in the new town community center. They bought all the paint, supplies, etc, but one of them mentioned the lack of paint clothing, and the mass they had to attend later in the day. They all decide to paint naked. As the day wore on, a knock comes at the door. The nuns shout "who is it?" The reply came, "blind man!" The nuns decide there is no harm letting him in.

One of the nuns opens the door, to which the man comes in and says: "woah, nice tits! So where you want the blinds?"

[Squeakster]

Why did Ron Artest leave the basketball game early?


He wanted to beat the crowd.

[Mippo]

[Wolfen]

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, Who wear their balls in parentheses?

[Picasso]

Originally Posted by Wolfen

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, Who wear their balls in parentheses?

A BOY AND HIS MOTHER WERE AT THE MARKET AND HE YELLED OUT HEY YOU FAT BITCH TO SOME FAT BITCH

SO TO PUNISH THE BOY THE MOTHER MADE HIM WATCH B.E.T. FOR 2 DAYS

THE NEXT TIME THE BOY WENT TO THE SUPERMARKET HE SAW THE SAME FAT BITCH BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE SO HE TUGGED ON HIS MOMS JACKET AND SAID

"YO MA WAT DIS BUMPIN ASS APPLEBOTTOM SHAWTY BE DOIN UP IN THIS BITCH".

FIN

[Utnayan]

Ok these two are really bad. You have been warned.

1>

A guy was out hunting in the woods when he saw a black guy. All of a sudden a shot comes from out of the tree and a white guy yells out to his buddy... "WHOOHOO!! I GOT HIM!" The guy runs up to the hunter and says, "You can't do that!! You can't shoot black people!!" The hunter reaches in his wallet and says, "Sure can! See - this is a tag for one black guy" ... "Where on earth did you get that?" the guy asked, the hunter replied, "From the game warden right down the road. You can ask him. Perfectly legal - and only $100.00"

So he goes to the game warden and sure enough... He is selling tags for a black guy. So he decides to go against his morals and buy one.

He starts walking down the path just enjoying nature when he sees a black guy on the road changing the tire on a car. He brings his gun up and fires off 4 rounds killing the black guy dead. All of a sudden a different game warden comes out of a hiding spot and says, "HEY!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!! YOU CAN'T SHOOT A BLACK PERSON LIKE THAT!!"

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

The guy looks over and reaches into this wallet, "Sure can! See, I bought this tag right here which lets me kill one black person" The game warden replies, "Yeah I know but you cannot bait him with hub caps"

2>

A young black kid was on the side of a major highway on his bike when the chain broke and he had no way to use it. He was walking it back when a trucker hauling bowling balls to a new bowling alley happened to see him and became concerned he might get hit by passing traffic. The trucker pulls up and asks, "Hey Kid... Kinda dangerous out here, want a ride?" The young black kid says, "Yeah I sure could use a hand..." The trucker said, "Ok no problem, but you are going to have to ride back in the trailer because I have my manifest and tons of shit here on the front seat... Toss your bike in there and hop in and I'll take you home" "THANKS MISTER!" said the black kid.

About 4 miles down the road a State Trooper pulls him over for a routine commercial inspection. "Is there a problem officer?" ... "Just a routine check. Can you open the back of the truck for me please?" So the trucker pushes a button and the back opens. The trooper walks back and hears a shreik... "OH MY GOD!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!"... The trucker gets out of the truck and runs back to see what the officer is yelling about.. "What's wrong!?!?!" he yells as he is running back.

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

The trooper yelled, "THERE'S A BUNCH OF NIGGER EGGS IN HERE... ONE HAS HATCHED AND ALREADY STOLE A BIKE!"

[Utnayan]

Hopefully this isn't a repeat:

A young kid was getting up in the morning and was starving for breakfast. He sits at the table and yells to his mom, "MOM MAKE ME BREAKFAST!" The mom tells him, "Not until you do your chores... You have to go out and milk the cows, clean the pig pen, and feed the chickens." He is really hungry and cranky, but he goes out and proceeds to do the chores.

He goes to milk the cows... And once he is done, looks around, and to let off a little of his anger he kicks one of the cows right in the ass. Feeling a bit better he goes to feed the chickens... And again once he is done kicks a chicken, feathers flying everywhere and he feels even more better. He goes to clean the pig pen, once he is done, he looks around, doesn't see anyone watching, and kicks a pig right in the nose. Feeling even more better.

He goes back inside and sits down to a bowl of dry cereal. "What the hell is this mom???" She replied, "Well, I saw you milk the cows but then you kicked one... So no milk. And then I saw you feed the chickens, but then you kicked a chicken! So no eggs. And then I saw you clean the pig pen, but then you kicked a pig! NO BACON."

Just then his dad walks down the stairs, looks down, kicks the cat out of the way.

The kid looks to his mom and says, "Do you want to tell him or should I?"

Edit: A football joke.

A Minnesota Viking Fan was heading to Green Bay, and a Green Bay Packer fan was heading to Minneapolis when on Highway 94 one slid on some ice and collided head on with the other. The viking fan gets out of his car... "Holy cats bud are you alright??" The packer fan gets out and says, "Yeah wow... That was close one. Look at our cars I cannot believe we lived! IT MUST BE A SIGN FROM GOD!!!" The Viking fan nods his head. The packer fan says, "You know... having something like this happen shows how petty our rivalry really is... Lets bury the hatchet once and for all and end this petty bickering between our football teams." The Viking fan agrees, and the Packer fan says, "Well, here in Wisconsin we drink toasts to a new found friendship... " The viking fan says, "Perfect! I have some Jack Daniels in my trunk... I'll grab it." So he goes to the trunk and gets out the new bottle. Hands it to the Packer fan and says, "Welp, I am in your state. You do the honors..." So the packer fan opens up the bottle and swigs down about 40% of it in a huge couple gulps... Wipes his lips and hands over the bottle, "TO OUR NEW FOUND FRIENDSHIP!!!" ... The viking fan puts the cap back on and throws the bottle back into his trunk... The packer fan asks, "What are you doing???"

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

The Viking fan says, "Calling the cops"

[Hathe]

Haha, that football joke is A+.