Good Jokes - Post some

[FulorianC]

Originally Posted by aznpinktuv

tjhat was posted 4 pages ago...

And my request for the source of the 'Better nate than lever' again was only one page ago. GG.

At least it was spoilered.

[aznpinktuv]

did i really just get - interneted for posting that?

go fuck urself

[FulorianC]

You really don't know when to shut up, do you.

[Camerous]

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive ... but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Wolfen]

One day three young boys were playing, and talking about their home life with their parents. One little boy said, "It's about time I be getting home, because if I'm late for supper, my Paw will get mad and whip up on me. He's a real mean Paw."

The second little boy said, "Your Paw ain't mean, I got the meanest Paw in the world." The first little boy said, "How come you say that?"

The second little boy said, "Every time I go home, he slaps me if I say something, and if I don't say something he slaps me. Man I just don't know what to do anymore."

The third little boy said, "Not me, I got the best Paw in the world. He's my Step-Paw, my real Paw went away. My Step-Paw plays with me, and do things with me. He's a real good Paw."

The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said, "Do he teach you how to do things too?"

The third boy said, "He sho' do, he's teaching me how to swim! Every morning he takes me out to the middle of the lake, and let's me swim back to the shore."

The first two said, almost in unison, "Ain't it kind of hard to swim from the middle of the lake back to the shore?"

"Naw, man, that's the easy part, the hard part is getting out of that sack!"

[Wolfen]

A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and laughing.

Her husband groggily asks, "What are you laughing about?"

She tells him that she has just had a dream and she dreamed that she was at a cock auction. She said, "They had BIG ones there that were 12 inches long and big around and they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars. She went on to say that they had some 10 inch long ones that were slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around $8,000
dollars.

The husband is excited by now and asks "Honey were there any at the auction like mine?"

She says, "Why yes, they were over on the souvenir table and they were selling at 2 for a quarter..." He disgustedly turns and goes back to sleep.

Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the middle of the night just laughing and laughing and laughing.

The wife asks him, "what in the world are you laughing about?"

He goes on to say that he dreamed he was at a pussy auction. He said, "They had little tiny ones there that had no hair at all and they were selling for $50,000 dollars. He went on to say that they had some with just a little bit of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going for
$42,000 dollars.

The wife is excited by this time and asks, "Honey did they have any there like mine?

He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no ... WAIT... they had two. They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"
_

[Wanand]

Seriously wolfen do you really laugh at these jokes before you post them? I just find it hard to believe anyone finds them funny

[Runnen]

Originally Posted by Wanand

Seriously wolfen do you really laugh at these jokes before you post them? I just find it hard to believe anyone finds them funny

I thought the two before the auction one were funny. /shrug

[Camerous]

Originally Posted by Runnen

I thought the two before the auction one were funny. /shrug

There is only one from Wolfen before the auction one.. the other is mine.

[Wolfen]

Originally Posted by Wanand

Seriously wolfen do you really laugh at these jokes before you post them? I just find it hard to believe anyone finds them funny

And I care because.....?

[Rodyland]

Originally Posted by Wolfen

He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no ... WAIT... they had two. They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"
_

Version I heard goes "Where do you think they were holding the auction?!"

[Picasso]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

[Quineloe]

Don't you hate it when you just know that it has to be a very good joke but you don't get it because you don't know the reference?

[Picasso]

Originally Posted by Quineloe

Don't you hate it when you just know that it has to be a very good joke but you don't get it because you don't know the reference?

That joke sucked ass

I was just trying to fit in.

[Picasso]

What's the difference between a stockbroker and a pigeon?





a pigeon can still make a deposit on a Lexus