Good Jokes - Post some

[Wolfen]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

[Wolfen]

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

[Wolfen]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around
when she hollers out....

"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."


Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin
wrong with the outhouse! "


Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see
what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong
with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,
then starts yelling, "Ma!

Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[Wolfen]

A few more. Don't hate if you think they suck.

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all. "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

[brekk]

Why does helen keller only masturbate with one hand?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

so she can moan with the other

what do you call a group of white people running down a hill

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

avalanche

what do you call a group of black people running down a hill

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

mudslide

what do you call a group of mexicans running down a hill

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

jailbreak

[lapseofluxury]

I just made this one up tell me what you think.

I Know this older guy, he's a doctor. He told me he's been practicing medicine for 35 years. I said, "fuck man, shouldn't you just know what your doing by now"

[ruination]

Originally Posted by lapseofluxury

I just made this one up tell me what you think.

I Know this older guy, he's a doctor. He told me he's been practicing medicine for 35 years. I said, "fuck man, shouldn't you just know what your doing by now"

LOL, I thought it was pretty good

[Big W Powah!]

Why did the mexican chick go have sex?

Her teacher told her to do an essay.


Theres a black man, a texan, and a russian sitting on a cliff.

The russian takes a sip of vodka, and throws the rest of the bottle off the cliff. The Mexian asks "Why'd you do that?" To which the Russian replies "We've got plenty of vodka in my country."

The mexian then takes a sip of tequila, and throws it off the cliff. The Texas then proceeds to ask, "why'd you do that?" to which the Mexian replies "We've got plenty of tequila in my country."

The Texas then looks at them both, smiles, pulls out some beef jerky, takes a bite, and throws the mexican off the cliff. The russian then proceeds to ask, "Why'd you do that?" to which the Texan replies "We've got plenty in my country."

[Big W Powah!]

A man purchased a brand new Porsche, and decided to see what it could do. He proceeded to the hiway where he accellerated to 95mph. A state trooper saw him and began to chase with lights on.

The man decided he didn't want to stop, so accellerated to 130mph. The state trooper persisted.

The man then accellerated to 160mph, and still the state trooper persisted. The man then decided he didn't want to risk his life further by accellerating more, and pulled over.

The state trooper pulled up behind him, got out, and walked to the man's window. Furious, the state trooper yelled at the man, "and just why the fuck did you decide to run from me sir?"

The man, replied, "Last year my wife ran away with a state trooper. " After a brief pause to wipe a tear from his eye, the very emotional man continued, "I thought you were trying to bring her back."

[homsar]

Originally Posted by lapseofluxury

I just made this one up tell me what you think.

I Know this older guy, he's a doctor. He told me he's been practicing medicine for 35 years. I said, "fuck man, shouldn't you just know what your doing by now"

Sounds like a mitch hedberg joke

[Avellon]

I kind of hope this is a joke.

YTMND - The amazing tale of a gerbil in a mans butt

[Kurk]

What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

[Makata]

A young boy goes up to his father and asks him, "Dad, what's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The dad thinks about this for a moment and replies, "Son, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars then go ask your mom if she'd sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars and you'll find your answer." So the son asks his sister, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" to which she immediately replies "Hell yes!" The boy nods then walks away to his mother and asks her, "Mom, would you sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars?" to which she replied "Oh, definitely!" The son nods and walks away. He spends the night pondering the answers he was given and returns to his father the next day.

"So son, did you figure out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replies, "I think so, dad. Potentially we're sitting on 2 million dollars here, but realistically we're living with 2 sluts."

(I know it's old but a similar joke in boob thread provoked this)

[Malakriss]

Originally Posted by Avellon

I kind of hope this is a joke.

YTMND - The amazing tale of a gerbil in a mans butt

Those bastards killed a gerbil.

[Big W Powah!]

Little Timmy see's his Dad having some beer. He decides he wants some, so he asks his father if he can have some. His father then replies "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?"..Little Timmy shakes his head no. His father then says, "Well son, when you can do that, you'll be a man. And only men can drink beer."

A few days later Little Timmy see's his father smoking a cigar, and asks if he can try. The father once again replies "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?" Little Timmy, defeated, confesses his lack of ability to perform the task in question, and his father says, "Well son, when you can do that, you'll be a man. And only men can have cigars."

A week later, Little Timmy is eating skittles ,a favorite among him and his father. His father stumples on this, and requests a skittle. To this, Little Timmy replies "Dad, can you touch your dick to your asshole?" Thinking his son is simply getting his goat, his father replies "Well yes son, I can.". To this, Little Timmy counters "Well go fuck yourself then."