Good Jokes - Post some

[Jackaron]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Gnomedolf]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

[Gnomedolf]

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. And if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs on me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the front door.

I opened the door and headed straight toward my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family-in-law was standing outside, all clapping!!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car...

[Gnomedolf]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

He sighed...

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

[Zerai]

Originally Posted by Gnomedolf

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom. And if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs on me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight for the front door.

I opened the door and headed straight toward my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family-in-law was standing outside, all clapping!!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car...

[Salshun]

A kindergarten student was told to bring something exciting to school the next day. Upon arriving, his turn was up, and he went to the front of the class. He grabbed some chalk and put a dot on the board.

"What's that?" the teacher asked, to which the boy responded "a period". The teacher asked him "what's so exciting about a period" and the boy replied "Hell if I know, but this morning my 15 year old sister said she was missing hers, which caused my mother to faint, my father to have a heart attack and the police were sent to my uncle's house, but he hung himself before they got there."

[Darph]

Originally Posted by Big W Powah!

As a native Texan myself, I enjoy mixing some black beans and orange/lime zest into my Chili.

Get the fuck out of Texas you son of a bitch.

[FulorianC]

Originally Posted by Darph

Get the fuck out of Texas you son of a bitch.

I second this.

That's a hanging offense, son.

[Moontayle]

Originally Posted by FulorianC

I second this.

That's a hanging offense, son.

Thirded.

[joeboo]

Allow me to add something constructive and relevant to this thread:

Originally Posted by Moontayle

Thirded.

Fourth'd.

[Hathe]

Fifth'd.

Jesus, beans in chili?! That's right up there with rape and forgery.

[joeboo]

Originally Posted by Hathe

Fifth'd.

Jesus, beans in chili?! That's right up there with rape and forgery.

Wha?? Rape is stupid, forgery is dumb, but together??

Rape a bitch then put someone else' DNA on her? That's genius!

[Big W Powah!]

Originally Posted by Darph

Get the fuck out of Texas you son of a bitch.

Sixth'd!


Wait, wat?

[Rica86]

My uncle told me this joke tonight:

So a little black boy and his grandfather are talking a flight when the pilot comes over the loudspeakers and sayes "Sorry passengers, I don't mean to start a panic but we are experiencing engine trouble and are losing altitude, we are going to start throwing luggage out of the plane to attempt to stop dropping."

So a couple of minutes pass, and the pilot comes over the loudspeaker again and sayes "Sorry passengers, but even after throwing over all the luggage we are not gaining any altitude back, we are going to have to start throwing off passengers. But to be fair, we will be doing it alphabetically. We will be starting with the african americans, moving onto the blacks, and then the coloreds."

So the little black boy turns to his grandpa and sayes "Grandpa, today we are niggers."

[Gnomedolf]

A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?"

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.

About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.

Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.

"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.

"Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."