Good Jokes - Post some

[SavantusMaximus]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.


Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.


'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. . .












Wait for it. .




















It's coming. .














The suspense is killing you, isn't it?












She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'


(Oh shut up!)

[Vehn]

no pun intended!

[Vatoreus]

Originally Posted by SavantusMaximus

(Oh shut up!)

Can I get some chips w/ that cheese?

[Greyform]

This guy is hunting Polar bear in the arctic and see’s pretty large one.
He takes aim at the polar bear fires and kills it.

Right after killing the polar bear he feels a tap on his shoulder and an even larger polar bear is standing behind him.

The polar bear tells the man that he just shot his best friend and that the man has two choices. “Either I can kill you where you stand or bend over and I am going to have my way with you”

Well the man does not want to die and so he turns around and the polar bear has his way with him, but it is brutal and the polar bear really tears the guy up.

The man has to go to the hospital and he is there for weeks, but the whole time he is there all he can think about is how much he wants to kill the polar bear that did this to him.

Once out of the hospital he goes back to hunt for the polar bear that raped him.

He is successful and he finds the polar bear and shoots him dead.

Right after he kills the polar bear he feels another tap on his shoulder, this time it’s an even larger polar bear than the last one. The polar bear gives him the same option as last time, and again the man chooses life over being raped.

This time is even worse than the last time and the man spends even more time in the hospital, and again all he can think about is revenge.

Once out of the hospital he heads back to the arctic to kill the polar bear that raped him.

He again finds the bear he is looking for and again he shoots and kills the bear.

Once again as soon as the bear drops over he feels a tap on his shoulder and standing behind him is another even larger polar bear. The polar bear looks at the man and says:




"Mister you just don’t come up here for the hunting do you"?

[krozman]

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

....

[Wolfen]

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:

"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

[TheOkapi]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Dr.Dre

[Wolfen]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.

[Thorpe]

[Big W Powah!]

BEST BLOWJOB EVER!

A man is released from a 20 year sentance in prison, of which he served all 20 years. His friend tells him to go to this girl that he knows, and get the best blow job ever.

So he goes there, pays her, and she turns out the lights. She then proceeds to give him the best blow job ever while humming the star spangled banner. He is perplexed by this but never the less comes back the next day. She repeats this process.

After a few days, he says "I have GOT to know how she does this!" So he goes back, but keeps a flash light on him. He waits for her to be in the middle of it, and then turns the flash light on, but is blinded temporarily by the reflection of sometjhing on the coffee table. He yells "the fuck was that!?" and she, without stopping the blow job, simply says "oh, thats my glass eye..."

[runcade]

Why don't Baptists have sex?



Because it could lead to dancing.

[Kaige]

Two aliens land in Metro Detriot, and they happen to land next
to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and
look around. The first thing they see that resembles an
intelligent being is the gas pump. The two Aliens approach and
the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!"
Of course he gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again.
"Earthling, I said TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!" Of course, still no
response.... The first Alien then turns to the second and says
"If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least
acknowledge me I'm going to blast him!" At that the second Alien
replies "O.K,I'm just going to stand down on the next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other
to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third
time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" No response, so the
Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump... the gas
station goes up in a huge explosion that blows the Alien down the
block to the second Alien. "If you knew what was going to happen
why didn't you warn me!"

The second replies "I didn't know what was going to happen....
but I'm not going to mess with anyone who's dick can hang to the
ground, wrap around his body twice, and still hang it in his ear.

[Greyform]

Ok for some reason this joke has stuck with me over the years; it’s kind of funny but not great. I remember an old TV show where celebrities told their favorite jokes. This one was William Shatner’s

A missionary was sent to Africa to teach the natives about god. The problem was that the village he was sent to none of the natives spoke English, and he did not speak their language.

The missionary decided that the best way to rectify the situation was to start by teaching the tribal chief English and then he could help teach the rest of the village.

Each day the missionary would walk with the chief and he would teach him the English word for the things around them. The missionary would point to a bird and say “bird” and the chief would repeat back to him “bird”

On one of their walks the missionary was going about his business of pointing out various objects or animals and saying their name and the chief would repeat the names back. When they got to a bush they could both hear quite a commotion, and a lot of rustling in the leaves behind the bush.

The missionary pulled back some of the brush to see what was happening, and to his surprise a young native couple was furiously making love.

Embarrassed by the situation and not quite sure what to say the missionary pointed at the couple and said. “man riding bicycle”

But instead of the chief repeating what the missionary said, he immediately pulled out a blowgun and quickly launched two poison darts one for each of the couple and killed them instantly.

The missionary shocked at what happened looked at the chief and said “Why?”






The chief’s reply was: “Man riding MY bicycle!”

[Sharmai]

Hope this isn't a repost

The only debate on Intelligent Design that is worthy of its subject ::: 08.11.2005, 10:38
[]
Moderator: We're here today to debate the hot new topic, evolution versus Intelligent Des---

(Scientist pulls out baseball baat.)

Moderator: Hey, what are you doing?

(Scientist breaks Intelligent Design advocate's kneecap.)

Intelligent Design advocate: YEAAARRRRGGGHHHH! YOU BROKE MY KNEECAP!

Scientist: Perhaps it only appears that I broke your kneecap. Certainly, all the evidence points to the hypothesis I broke your kneecap. For example, your kneecap is broken; it appears to be a fresh wound; and I am holding a baseball bat, which is spattered with your blood. However, a mere preponderance of evidence doesn't mean anything. Perhaps your kneecap was designed that way. Certainly, there are some features of the current situation that are inexplicable according to the "naturalistic" explanation you have just advanced, such as the exact contours of the excruciating pain that you are experiencing right now.

Intelligent Design advocate: AAAAH! THE PAIN!

Scientist: Frankly, I personally find it completely implausible that the random actions of a scientist such as myself could cause pain of this particular kind. I have no precise explanation for why I find this hypothesis implausible --- it just is. Your knee must have been designed that way!

Intelligent Design advocate: YOU BASTARD! YOU KNOW YOU DID IT!

Scientist: I surely do not. How can we know anything for certain? Frankly, I think we should expose people to all points of view. Furthermore, you should really re-examine whether your hypothesis is scientific at all: the breaking of your kneecap happened in the past, so we can't rewind and run it over again, like a laboratory experiment. Even if we could, it wouldn't prove that I broke your kneecap the previous time. Plus, let's not even get into the fact that the entire universe might have just popped into existence right before I said this sentence, with all the evidence of my alleged kneecap-breaking already pre-formed.

Intelligent Design advocate: That's a load of bullshit sophistry! Get me a doctor and a lawyer, not necessarily in that order, and we'll see how that plays in court!

Scientist (turning to audience): And so we see, ladies and gentlemen, when push comes to shove, advocates of Intelligent Design do not actually believe any of the arguments that they profess to believe. When it comes to matters that hit home, they prefer evidence, the scientific method, testable hypotheses, and naturalistic explanations. In fact, they strongly privilege naturalistic explanations over supernatural hocus-pocus or metaphysical wankery. It is only within the reality-distortion field of their ideological crusade that they give credence to the flimsy, ridiculous arguments which we so commonly see on display. I must confess, it kind of felt good, for once, to be the one spouting free-form bullshit; it's so terribly easy and relaxing, compared to marshaling rigorous arguments backed up by empirical evidence. But I fear that if I were to continue, then it would be habit-forming, and bad for my soul. Therefore, I bid you adieu.

[Ninajrr]

and bad for my soul

Rofl, +1 internets, sir.