Good Jokes - Post some

[Hasto]

Five people, 4 guys and young woman, were on a plane when it suddenly plunged into the sea. Miraculousy all survived the crash but found themselves stranded on a deserted island. Since the guys had to satisfy their natural urges, with the woman's agreement they drew up a rota whereby each would take it in turns to screw her as much as possible for a week at a time. The agreement worked really well for the next six years; satisfying both the men and the nymphomaniac woman until she died unexpectedly. The first month went by and it was awful for the guys,; the second month was really bad; the third month was almost unbearable; by the fourth month they couldn't take it, so they buried her.

[Indiana]

Originally Posted by Hasto

Five people, 4 guys and young woman, were on a plane when it suddenly plunged into the sea. Miraculousy all survived the crash but found themselves stranded on a deserted island. Since the guys had to satisfy their natural urges, with the woman's agreement they drew up a rota whereby each would take it in turns to screw her as much as possible for a week at a time. The agreement worked really well for the next six years; satisfying both the men and the nymphomaniac woman until she died unexpectedly. The first month went by and it was awful for the guys,; the second month was really bad; the third month was almost unbearable; by the fourth month they couldn't take it, so they buried her.

That was terrible.

[Malakriss]

Originally Posted by Hasto

Five people, 4 guys and young woman, were on a plane when it suddenly plunged into the sea. Miraculously all survived the crash but found themselves stranded on a deserted island. Since the guys had to satisfy their natural urges, with the woman's agreement they drew up a rotation whereby each would take turns to screw her as much as possible for a week at a time. The agreement worked really well for the next six years; satisfying both the men and the nymphomaniac woman until she died unexpectedly. The first month went by and it was awful for the guys; the second month was really bad; the third month was almost unbearable; by the fourth month they couldn't take it, so they buried her.

"...and that's the premise for the next season of Lost", said the writer.

[Simas]

What does old lady pussy taste like?

Depends...

[Makata]

Originally Posted by Hasto

Five people, 4 guys and young woman, were on a plane when it suddenly plunged into the sea. Miraculousy all survived the crash but found themselves stranded on a deserted island. Since the guys had to satisfy their natural urges, with the woman's agreement they drew up a rota whereby each would take it in turns to screw her as much as possible for a week at a time. The agreement worked really well for the next six years; satisfying both the men and the nymphomaniac woman until she died unexpectedly. The first month went by and it was awful for the guys,; the second month was really bad; the third month was almost unbearable; by the fourth month they couldn't take it, so they buried her.

This is a very butchered and not as shocking as the real version:
2 men and a woman find themselves stranded on an island after they are the only survivors of a [plane/boat] crash. Being adults and having the urges of adults, They begin a love triangle with each man getting some time with the woman. A week later the woman is so ashamed at what she was doing, she killed herself.
A week later, the men were so ashamed at what they were doing, they buried her.
A week later, the men were so ashamed at what they were doing, they dug her back up.

[Tarrant220]

I like Hastos much more

[Felonius]

Originally Posted by Tarrant220

I like Hastos much more

i have to agree, drunk as i am. I went to the bar, and told hasto's version to atleast 40 people, all of them being appalled and/or laughing.

I told makata's once, it fucking sucked, no real punch line, no "oh i get it" point

[Salshun]

Don't think this ones been posted.

Small 2 engine plane going down over the middle of the ocean. Situation is bad and all 5 people on board are teh fucked. The pilot, the president of the USA, Jessie Jackson, the Pope, and a boyscout that won a national contest to meet the President.

The pilot, in all his wisdom, only packed 4 chutes. The pilot gives them all the eye and goes "My plane, my chutes, later bitches".

The president goes "I have the most important job in the world, and I'm a needed man" and bails

Jessie Jackson spouts off "I really think I have a chance to be the first black president" grabs his shoot, jumps for it

The pope looks at the boy scout and gets on one knee "Son, I've lived my life. It was a good life and I have no regrets. Here, take this chute, and go live your life. Live well and good".

The boy scouts beings laughing his ass off, just really losing it. The pope, thinking the boy has gone bonkers shakes him and demands to know "What's so funny?!"

The boy scout looks him dead in the eyes and goes "Here's your chute, here's mine, that stupid black guy just jumped with my backpack"

--------

How does every racist joke start?

*Looks around and lowers voice*

-------

Sean Connery: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

[Radahr Manasponge]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Texas Gentleman are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to
be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile

for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine ,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around

those countries.

The Texan says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Texan sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it s life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.


----------------------------------------------------------

You know you've lived in Florida too long when:

Socks are only for bowling.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but
everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs i n 2004- 2005.

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth wa king up for.

You dread love bug season.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane
Charley or Hurricane Frances. You know them as Andrew, Charley , Frances , Ivan and Jeanne.

You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

'Down South' means Key West ..

Flip-flops are everyday wear. Shoes are for business meetings and church,
but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Withlacoochee and Micanopy.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a
boat yourself.

You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas and New Years.

You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba . '

[TheOkapi]

Originally Posted by Radahr Manasponge

You know you've lived in Florida too long when:

oh man, so true

[James]

What's the Pillsbury Doughboy got under that apron?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Doughnuts.

[Makata]

Originally Posted by Felonius

i have to agree, drunk as i am. I went to the bar, and told hasto's version to atleast 40 people, all of them being appalled and/or laughing.

I told makata's once, it fucking sucked, no real punch line, no "oh i get it" point

So let's see here; you told 2 versions of the same joke. One has a very predictable and simple build up with a single punch line. The other is subtle and requires someone to think a moment and figure out one mini-punchline before they can get the next. You tell these jokes to people who have chemically reduced mental capacities while you yourself shared the condition. Big surprise as to which one faired better.

But hey if you don't like the better version, no skin off my nose; I'm certainly not offended. Hope you enjoyed nursing that hangover this morning.

[BurnemWizfyre]

Originally Posted by Makata

So let's see here; you told 2 versions of the same joke. One has a very predictable and simple build up with a single punch line. The other is subtle and requires someone to think a moment and figure out one mini-punchline before they can get the next. You tell these jokes to people who have chemically reduced mental capacities while you yourself shared the condition. Big surprise as to which one faired better.

But hey if you don't like the better version, no skin off my nose; I'm certainly not offended. Hope you enjoyed nursing that hangover this morning.

im sober and your version sucks.

[chaos]

Yeah, it's not a better version, it just sucks.

[Makata]

Lol, okay. Some people also think Miley Cyrus has talent and that Fergie is attractive. Enjoy your shit joke.