Good Jokes - Post some

[GaliemVaelant]

How do you know when a prostitute's full?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

She's got a runny nose.

The problem with the baby jokes is that they've got no subtlety. For a dark joke to be funny, it has to imply something bad, which the listener then infers on their own. The way some of you tell them, it's just fucking retarded. There's nothing funny about someone suddenly blurting "I fuck babies!".

[Djaypally]

Originally Posted by GaliemVaelant

I fuck babies!

LOL!

[GaliemVaelant]

Originally Posted by Djaypally

LOL!

... fucker lol

[SavantusMaximus]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

"Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[SavantusMaximus]

The Love Story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He
sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

[SavantusMaximus]

Def. Attorney:

Will you please state your age?



Lil Old Lady:

I am 86 yrs old



Def. Att:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?



Lil old lady:

There I was, sitting there in my wing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.



Df. Att:

Did you know him?



Lil Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.



Df. Att:

What happened after he sat down?



Lil Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.



Df. Att:

Did you stop him?



Lil Old Lady:

No, I didn't



Df Att:

Why not?



Lil Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 yrs ago.



Df Att:

What happened next?



Lil Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.



Df Att:

Did you stop him then?



Lil Old Lady:

No, I did not.



Df Att:

Why not?



Lil Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years!



Df Att:

What happened next?



Lil Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"



Df Att:

Did he take you?



Lil Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[SavantusMaximus]

Massage Away the Pain

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men.

To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his privates.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... that feels pretty good," he admits.

"But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[avgeek]

A city slicker finally gets tired and decides to move off to the country. First thing he figures he'll do is find a wagon and some animals to start a little farm.

While he's walking down the road he happens across a man with a donkey and a cart. The city slicker asks the man, "how much for the donkey and cart"? The country boy replies "I'll take $100, but out here we call it an ass". The city slicker makes a mental note, pays the man and starts off, but he can't get the ass to move. The country boy gives a little chuckle and says "some times you gotta give him a little scratch to get him moving"

Well, the city slicker gets the ass moving and continues down the road. After an hour or so he comes across a man on the road with a sign that says "Pullets for sale". He stops the cart and asks the man "What's a Pullet?" to which the man replies, "it's like a chicken". The city slicker figures if he's gonna have a farm he needs some chickens, so he pays the man, takes a Pullet and continues down the road.

Another hours goes by and the city slicker happens across another man on the side of the road with a sign that says "Cocks for sale". He pulls up his wagon and sees the man is selling some pretty mean looking roosters. The city slicker figures he needs a rooster to go with his chickens so he pays the man and starts back up down the road.

After a couple hours and close to dark he pulls up to a stop sign in the middle of no where, the city slicker automatically stops, then realizes he's gonna have to get his donkey moving again. About that time a pretty hot lookin' lady pulls up in a truck and starts getting impatient. The city slicker motions for the lady to pull around and while she does she stops and asks the man if he needs any help. The city slicker breathes a sign of relief and says "man am I glad you stopped, can you

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass"

[Ginn]

There once was a fly crossing a foggy pond. The fly thought to himself, if i drop 6 inches i can fly across the pond out of the fog. There was a frog on a lily pad at the other end of the pond who was watching the fly and thought to himself, "If that fly drops six inches i'm going to have him for supper." A bass was swimming under the frog and thought, "If that fly drops six inches and the frog goes for the fly, I'll eat the frog for supper." A bear was sitting at the edge of the pond and thought, "If that fly drops 6 inches, and the frog goes for the fly, and the bass goes after the frog...I'll eat the bass and have supper." A man was sitting on a stool across the pond and thought, "if that fly drops 6 inches, and the frog eats the fly, the bass eats the frog and the bear eats the Bass.. I'll shoot the bear and have him for supper." A mouse was just below the man and thought, "if that fly drops 6 inches, the frog goes after the fly, the bass goes after the frog, the bear goes after the bass, and the man shoots the bear...I'll grab the cheese from his sandwich and have supper." A cat had been watching the whole affair, and thought.."if that fly drops 6 inches, the frog eats the fly, the bass eats the frog, the bear eats the bass, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse goes after the cheese..I'll pounce on the mouse and have supper." Well, the fly dropped 6 inches and sure enough the frog ate the fly, the bass at the frog, the bear at the bass, the man shot the bear, the mouse went for the cheese. But as the cat went after the mouse he missed and fell in the pond. The moral for this story....

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

if a fly drops 6 inches, you'll get one wet pussy.

What does a an elephant use for a tampon? The sheep standing next to it.
What's the moral of this story?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

Don't buy red sweaters

[DavivMcD]

Originally Posted by Ginn

Or is it better because it doesn't offend any of the sensitive people that call this board home?

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAA!!!!!!

Sorry give me a few seconds, that was the best joke so far.

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Phew. Ok. My soul is lost and my retinas are permanently scorched thanks solely to FoH screenshots. Do you think that people on the board that has had pictures of everything from decapitations to horse sex to shitting dick nipples really are just being sensitive about just a couple WORDS about a dead baby doing something not even disgusting, just stupid? Once in a while, they are actually funny. But you have to fucking try to make a joke, you can't just say "Dead baby dead baby dead baby pedophile nigger". It's not 'funny' because it's 'shocking', it's just stupid because you didn't try. For instance:

What's worse than 20 dead babies in a dumpster?

Spoiler Alert, click show to read:

One dead baby in 20 dumpsters.

Still a lame joke overall but at least it leads the listener to think a little bit.

Anyway sorry for being a pussy, keep the real jokes coming.

[Axire]

How do you make a Hormone?

Don't pay her.

[Dethfang]

Originally Posted by DavivMcD

Dead baby dead baby dead baby pedophile nigger

I laughed

[SavantusMaximus]

Seriously either post a joke or STFU already, we get it offensive jokes hurt your sandy vagina. Trying to explain why a joke is funny or not is stupide ,it never works out. I want to read jokes, not your rant explaining shit.

Texas Trooper

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the
Head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Texas , son," the trooper answered.
"When we pull you over in
Texas , you better have your license ready by the time we get to your
car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The
Trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy
his License back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and
taps
On the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the
trooper Smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road
You're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've
Tried that shit with me'

[Legazy]

Originally Posted by SavantusMaximus

Seriously either post a joke or STFU already, we get it offensive jokes hurt your sandy vagina. Trying to explain why a joke is funny or not is stupide ,it never works out. I want to read jokes, not your rant explaining shit.

Texas Trooper

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the
Head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Texas , son," the trooper answered.
"When we pull you over in
Texas , you better have your license ready by the time we get to your
car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The
Trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy
his License back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and
taps
On the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the
trooper Smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road
You're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've
Tried that shit with me'

lol

[homsar]

That is a good fuckin joke and so true. If this board had kudos your ass would be filler with them.