Expecting a Baby Thread

[Lefazz]

A lot of you claim it's a wonderful thing now, but I can't help but wonder what your honest opinion will be 20 years down the road.

I realize it's all a matter of opinion and what you want out of life. But I still maintain that the majority of people are essentially brainwashed into believing parenthood is wonderful because of the genetic desire to procreate as well as morally feeling bad about having regrets.

This even applies to mates. Are people truly happy to be in relationships? The divorce rate would imply that over 50% aren't. Your brain is programmed to want these things even though, for most people, it doesn't even bring them happiness they desire.

[GrobbeeTrull2.0]

You're such a downer. Why do you hate people so much?

I still maintain that the majority of people are essentially brainwashed into believing parenthood is wonderful because of the genetic desire to procreate as well as morally feeling bad about having regrets.

I maintain that you're wrong.

This even applies to mates. Are people truly happy to be in relationships? The divorce rate would imply that over 50% aren't. Your brain is programmed to want these things even though, for most people, it doesn't even bring them happiness they desire.

Actually, a divorce rate over 50% just means that most people suck at making a first choice for spouse (like me!) but that doesn't mean they are forever doomed to unhappiness.

[Vandyn]

Originally Posted by Lefazz

A lot of you claim it's a wonderful thing now, but I can't help but wonder what your honest opinion will be 20 years down the road.

I realize it's all a matter of opinion and what you want out of life. But I still maintain that the majority of people are essentially brainwashed into believing parenthood is wonderful because of the genetic desire to procreate as well as morally feeling bad about having regrets.

This even applies to mates. Are people truly happy to be in relationships? The divorce rate would imply that over 50% aren't. Your brain is programmed to want these things even though, for most people, it doesn't even bring them happiness they desire.

So in other words I should ask my parents how much it sucked that I was born and how much it ruined their lives? It sounds like you've never been in a meaningful relationship though, which may explain why you have a narrow view of such things.

[Dis]

Chaos - I totally get you on the no one giving a shit about listening to you talk about your kid. Oh well such is life, I used to be on the other side, not giving a shit

Connor is great, he makes me laugh, and he is starting to hold onto me, or put his arms around my neck when I am holding him. Freaking awesome, words cant describe it. Probably going for a 2nd in a year or so.

[Sharmai]

Originally Posted by Lefazz

i DON'T HAVE KIDS

How do you know? Your testifying to a point that you have no way knowing how it truly is. I admit I won't begin to understand for another 9 months but even then raising a child is an 18 (and obviously lifetime) long experience. Like a monumental project that spans your entire life to come to fruition.

[Lefazz]

Originally Posted by GrobbeeTrull2.0

I maintain that you're wrong.

Hey, maybe I am for you. I didn't say everyone is miserable. It's something only you can answer for yourself. My point is that people will not be openly honest about their true feelings lest they be called a piece of shit.

Originally Posted by Vandyn

So in other words I should ask my parents how much it sucked that I was born and how much it ruined their lives?

See above. If the answer was that you DID ruin their lives they wouldn't answer you honestly anyways.

Originally Posted by Sharmai

How do you know? Your testifying to a point that you have no way knowing how it truly is.

This has nothing to do with my own personal feelings (hell, maybe I love kids! Want to have a dozen!). I'm just talking about the observations I've made of friends, family, and co-workers.

[Zeste]

Originally Posted by Lefazz

A lot of you claim it's a wonderful thing now, but I can't help but wonder what your honest opinion will be 20 years down the road.

I realize it's all a matter of opinion and what you want out of life. But I still maintain that the majority of people are essentially brainwashed into believing parenthood is wonderful because of the genetic desire to procreate as well as morally feeling bad about having regrets.

This even applies to mates. Are people truly happy to be in relationships? The divorce rate would imply that over 50% aren't. Your brain is programmed to want these things even though, for most people, it doesn't even bring them happiness they desire.

Ahh, cynics. Experts on things they've never experienced. I was the same way.

When it's YOUR kid, a hidden, untouchable switch gets flipped in your head. Can't be learned, can't be taught.

Don't worry, someday if you decide to stick around with the girl you knock up, you'll know.

As much as the modern young cynic likes to think THEY are different, millions of years of evolution wishes to argue.

Either you'll experience it, or you won't. But you'll never, EVER be able to predict what happens when it's YOUR kid.

[Tortfeasor]

Originally Posted by Lefazz

A lot of you claim it's a wonderful thing now, but I can't help but wonder what your honest opinion will be 20 years down the road.

I realize it's all a matter of opinion and what you want out of life. But I still maintain that the majority of people are essentially brainwashed into believing parenthood is wonderful because of the genetic desire to procreate as well as morally feeling bad about having regrets.

This even applies to mates. Are people truly happy to be in relationships? The divorce rate would imply that over 50% aren't. Your brain is programmed to want these things even though, for most people, it doesn't even bring them happiness they desire.

My entire point is that people like you are incapable of understanding what it is like to have and raise kids. Sure you can reason that it will cost you time in taking them to school, buying them clothes, finding babysitters for them etc, but you are completely ignorant of how that weighs against the intangible and ineffable benefits of child-rearing. And as I stated before, it is these powerful genetic forces you mentioned that actually change who you are.

How does that equate to being brainwashed? Are you saying that true happiness is being free from dirty diapers, wiping noses, and otherwise giving up loads of time and money over the course of a couple of decades? If so, you are and will forever be a miserable and lonely human being unless you change. It is seriously depressing at how voluntarily empty people's lives can be.

[Zeste]

Also, let me add: my wife was pregnant when we started going out from a casual hookup with another dude. Accidental pregnancy.

We started dating, regardless of the pregnancy. We grew closer and she decided she wanted to keep her baby. I had no obligation, in fact she made that quite clear.

Well, we moved in together, she had the baby. Lived together for 2 years, then decided to get married.

At 25 months old, I adopted him out of my 100% own free will. No obligation, she never asked me to, never pressured me or even suggested I was responsible.

Maybe the cynics are right and I am just rare in this respect. But I feel bad for people who never feel so strongly, and so positively about something, that you decide to make such a huge decision.

Kid is 3.5 now, and I can't live without him. *Everyone* lets you down and is a fuck sometimes, saying that I might be pissed off at my kids in 20 years is such an easy target. How can you be so sure that when you're old and alone, you won't look BACK 20 years and go "wow, cynicism and self indulgence really got me nothing, wish I would of had a family of my own."

Poopsocking your way through life playing video games and seeking out pleasure and adventure for your own gain... that's gonna get old eventually. Even the most cynical decide that kids might be a good idea someday.

[Ronaan]

Originally Posted by Zeste

How can you be so sure that when you're old and alone, you won't look BACK 20 years and go "wow, cynicism and self indulgence really got me nothing, wish I would of had a family of my own."

As sad as it sounds, I somehow fear this.

[chaos]

Originally Posted by Lefazz

This has nothing to do with my own personal feelings (hell, maybe I love kids! Want to have a dozen!). I'm just talking about the observations I've made of friends, family, and co-workers.

I've known people who may not be happy in their relationships, it happens. But I've never met someone who regreted having kids, at least not how you're saying it. Sure I've known people who wish they'd waited, for financial or education concerns, or who may not be happy about the person they had the kid with, but never actually regreted the kids. And I don't buy that people just won't admit it because it would make them seem like shitty people. You can say that or something similar about anything that you want to believe people think.

I don't understand what you would look back in 20 years and be unhappy about. What exactly is it that you can't do because you have a kid? Random partying and shit? As far as like traveling, education, whatever you'd want to do, you can still do that. I just don't understand the statement.

Genetic disposition or not, I don't really care. I know that without having kids I would have felt like I was missing out, and now that I have one I'm excited about her every day. Maybe that will fade after a while, we'll see.

[TheCutlery]

Originally Posted by Zeste

When it's YOUR kid, a hidden, untouchable switch gets flipped in your head. Can't be learned, can't be taught.

Well, don't forget that it's not in everyone. Plenty of deadbeat dads that just don't give a fuck, and plenty of people who just have zero desire to have contact with their kids.

My mom's father left his wife and 5 kids while the oldest was just barely in high school. He moved out to a farm a state away and never wanted any contact with any of them again. My mom found out he died reading it in the newspaper.

My wife's sister had a baby with a fucking retard, he gave up custody when he realized he had no desire to be a productive, meaningful influence on the kid's life, which opened up the door for her to get married to a decent guy, who ended up adopting the kid.

And my best friend's dad left when he found out another baby was on the way, wrote about the child in his autobiography as a "Regrettable mistake."

There are plenty of people out there for whom parenthood is the greatest joy in life, but there are also many who just quite simply ain't cut out for it, for one reason or another. I say kudos to the people who know they don't want kids and then actually don't have them, because there's plenty of people who don't figure that out until after they ruin a child's (and probably a mother's) life.

[Vandyn]

Originally Posted by Lefazz

This has nothing to do with my own personal feelings (hell, maybe I love kids! Want to have a dozen!). I'm just talking about the observations I've made of friends, family, and co-workers.

As chaos mentioned above, I'm sure there are people that wished they went about things a different way as far as getting pregnant and all that but regret is a big word and a true parent (one that actually gives a crap about the child) would never have regrets, no matter what the situation. I know people that had children really young and struggled to just live life at such a young age. Yes, they regretted that they had kids so young that they basically had to grow up fast, but they love their children and wouldn't give them up for nothing.

If what you are saying is true, I'm sure the adoption rate in the country would go through the roof.

[Etoille]

*shrug*

I'll be honest. A lot of the stuff being said here - I've thought about.

Am I unselfish enough to be a good parent? Do I want kids because its something I think would complete MY life (and if so is that the right reason to have kids)? Do I have the patience? Will I resent them for changing my life and/or keeping me from doing things I want to do at times? Will I be able to break some of the cycles that trapped me growing up so that I don't doom my kids to the same insecurities and pain that I had? Can I finally get past the "puke when I see puke" thing???

But mostly the unselfish thing. Will this change my life in a way I'm ready for? My friends who have kids (most of whom had them before they wanted but love them to bits and wouldn't change a thing) say that because I'm thinking about all this stuff in advance its what actually makes me a good "preparent" if you will. And I adore their kids and vice versa.

But I'm not sure. I know I'm not ready today but is anyone ever actually *ready*? I'm not convinced. Even those who say they are I dont think anyone knows what they're getting into fully.

Luckily I'm not planning on doing the kids thing for at least 2-3 years.

[chaos]

I think everyone has thoughts like that. Sometimes, I still look at my daughter and wonder if I'm ready, or if I'm going to make the right decisions. It's just like any big thing in life, you sit there stressing over whether or not you're ready, then it comes and you just do it to the best of your ability.

The day she was born i was in a daze, people asking me questions and I was just kind of blankly staring. my mind was flooded with questions and scenarios. For the first week or so I was really super cautious around her, I was so afraid that I was going to hurt her or something. Especially the first night with no sleep, I was thinking "my god I don't think i was ready for this". But shit like that passes, and you don't hurt her and become more comfortable, and you realize that you are ready you just adjust your life a little, and she smiles at you at it's so amazing, etc. Little things every day.

We spent 8 months preparing and thought we were ready, and I guess we were as far as buying things or whatever, but we weren't mentally prepared for it. I don't think anything can really prepare you for that, it's one of those things you just have to do.