Friends with Benefits

[Etoille]

brad honey you are a testament to the power of self delusion.

originally i thought this was a situation where you were in control of your emotions.

it will never be FWB for you. this whole thread's advice until page 5 is null and void. because youre trying to sleep your way back into her heart. she gets what she wants (FWB) and youre out there dangling in the wind trying desparately (yes, you are desparate) to do what you can to get her back not one year after your divorce is final.

how its going to hurt your son is you'll keep going back over and over when she decides she wants some attention and that will be confusing for your son. you can deny it all you want. and then when she starts dating someone else (btw if you think she didnt fake it youre fucking crazy) you'll be hurt....or eventually it will come to the end and youll get hurt enough that your son will be in the middle.

kids arent stupid. babies are the most empathetic creatures on this planet. its why when one baby cries, other babies tend to cry. your son will figure out if theres residual anger there. the fact that you dont express it will TEACH your son to hold his emotions inside, since both you and mom will be doing the same thing.

if you want to go ahead and do this and give into her when she feels like toying with you thats fine. but when you do wind up hurting your son (thats not an if) down the line, you're going to be the one to have to deal with the guilt and anger you're going to feel towards yourself.

the fact that youre coming here as sunder correctly said, for validation, the fact that several other people on this thread seemed to know the background and advised against it....you do what you want dude, but youre no better than some of my girlfriends who do the same thing, or a woman who stays with her child with a guy that emotionally or physically abuses her.

whether you need that level of drama (some people do until they seek treatment) or maybe just a friend who isnt going to hold your hand while you plant your face into a wall repeatedly, i dont know. but when this goes south, come back to this thread and remember that you are now just as much at fault as she is.

[Brad2770]

I do care about my wife and do wish for a reconciliation, but I am not also putting all of my eggs in one basket. I still go out and talk to girls, but unlike most guys (especially the 17-25 range), I do not bang any skinny chick that gives it up. Its just not me. I would want a girl to be someone I like and for her to like me.

I was actually going on dates with a girl for a couple of weeks AFTER i started talking to my ex again. I know my ex, I like her, so it makes the sex comfortable and there is no pressure on me by feeling like I have to bang a girl that will give it up just so I can get my rocks off.

[Eomer]

As others have said, you've already made up your mind and are pretty much just looking for justification or rationalization when you know deep down that you're about to make a very big fuck up.

Do not sex the ex. You're making a huge mistake here. If anything, you need to be seeing her a lot less if at all (obviously the son complicates that), otherwise you're not going to move on.

But as I said, you appear to have made your mind up anyway. Have fun being her doormat.

[James]

Originally Posted by Eomer

Have fun being her doormat.

Did you see the naked pics of her? I'd let her ride cowboy.

[Etoille]

Originally Posted by Brad2770

Dry marriage. Ended with her cheating/not loving me anymore. Last month we started talking and have been hanging out a lot. I have been without sex for awhile because I dont have the patience to chase after women right now (gym, bike, work, my son more important) and she does not want to be around any guys right now and has no desire to date... but we are both horny.

I do still care for her, BUT I know where I stand.

Originally Posted by Brad2770

I do care about my wife and do wish for a reconciliation, but I am not also putting all of my eggs in one basket. I still go out and talk to girls, but unlike most guys (especially the 17-25 range), I do not bang any skinny chick that gives it up. Its just not me. I would want a girl to be someone I like and for her to like me.

I was actually going on dates with a girl for a couple of weeks AFTER i started talking to my ex again. I know my ex, I like her, so it makes the sex comfortable and there is no pressure on me by feeling like I have to bang a girl that will give it up just so I can get my rocks off.

so which statement here was true? b/c they seem pretty irrenconcilable to me...and further example of behavior consistent with rationalization.

how about the fact that you talk about "just wanting to bang because you havent had sex in a while" and being "horny" but then saying that youre still in love with the woman you want to bang, and that banging without the girl caring about you "isnt you"? slightly inconsistent there. just a tad.

in either case all is going well on the dating front til the woman youre dating finds out youre screwing your ex wife. or your ex wife finds out youre dating and 1. calls the other chick/interferes b/c she wants your attention again, or 2. says she wants you back so you dump the other chick then your ex wife dumps you again because shes once again been able to jerk your chain.

have fun with the rationalization game duder. like i said, from this point on you share the blame in this relationship, your ex wife isn't the only one fucking you over anymore.

its unfortunate that your son will suffer more than anyone else. unfortunate too that you will teach him that its ok to let people walk all over you.

you need therapy.

[Brad2770]

I dont mind explaining myself to you. I am a blunt person and I could care less what others think about me. It just gets to the point now that I will not air anymore of my thoughts of this in the open.

If you are really interested in 'hearing' what I have to say, Etoille, then PM me and I will exlplain how the two things you think contradict each other actually do go hand in hand.

I do appreciate the advice, but you basing my son's future and my impending failure off of me wanting to sex up my ex wife is pretty harsh. You are the kind of person that keeps real good people from even trying because youre pissing in their morning cereal.

Had I taken advice like this from people like you before I started dating her, we would have never got together and I would have never had a son as beautiful as I do now.

[Kevincheese]

Originally Posted by Brad2770

I dont mind explaining myself to you. I am a blunt person and I could care less what others think about me. It just gets to the point now that I will not air anymore of my thoughts of this in the open.

If you are really interested in 'hearing' what I have to say, Etoille, then PM me and I will exlplain how the two things you think contradict each other actually do go hand in hand.

I do appreciate the advice, but you basing my son's future and my impending failure off of me wanting to sex up my ex wife is pretty harsh. You are the kind of person that keeps real good people from even trying because youre pissing in their morning cereal.

Had I taken advice like this from people like you before I started dating her, we would have never got together and I would have never had a son as beautiful as I do now.

And wouldn't be off to fuck up his head from age 2, either.

[kegkilla]

forget the jobless bimbo brad, kegkilla is gonna make everything all good.

first of all it sounds to me like you're making a lot of excuses for yourself as per "not having the patience to chase women right now." probably the most fucked up thing i've ever seen a guy write. of course your son has to come first, but then you listed gym as a reason you can't pick up girls? half the reason gyms are built is for dudes to pick up girls bro. assuming you're not some sort of fat slob then it really shouldn't be too hard for you. its a process of course, not quite the same thing as picking up Etoille at your local dive bar and having your way with her. you have to slowly work your way in with some friendly chit chat etc. for a few weeks then if you're getting good vibes invite her to some sort of low pressure social function, get her drunk and go to town, film it and post it on the internet. anyway back to the point is there is always time to find girls you are lying to yourself if you can't find any. worst comes to worst try internet dating or some shit.

anyway the impression that i get from all of this is that you still got some feelings for your ex wife. thats cool man, totally understandable. i can appreciate that especially cause you got a son with her. but if you really have your sights set on winning her back you've got the wrong strategy. if she didn't love you when you were married, what has changed that would make her love you now? my guess is probably not much. you've got to make some positive changes in your life.

first off, you reak of desperation and she knows it cause broads have a 6th sense for that kind of shit. if she is honestly telling you what you wrote her then her excuses are just as wack as yours, she just feels like shes fucked up her own life with all this bullshit and is having second thoughts. there has never existed a broad who had the capacity to rake in a decent guy but opted to go FWB without having an alterior motive. your first move should be to tell her the FWB was a bad idea and that you've met somebody else. doesn't matter if you have or you haven't, thats what you should tell her. do it politely though, you don't want to look bitter.

you should sever all contact with her other than arrangements to see your kid and that sort of thing. remain friendly with her, but other than that don't give her the time of day. after that start doing things to improve yourself. try to begin a healthy relationship with a decent woman, improve your appearance, be a good father, and do things that make you happy.

if you are really that upset about the whole deal just start drinking heavily. it doesn't make you an alcoholic to drink your feelings away when you're depressed. time heals all wounds and you've been cut pretty bad bro. rest assured that in time all these feelings will dissipate. if you follow my advice and become a better man while non aggressively leaving her in the past she will fall to pieces at your feet and beg you to come back. but at that point you'll be feeling so good that you might not even want her back, its your call.

[Brad2770]

Originally Posted by kegkilla

forget the jobless bimbo brad, kegkilla is gonna make everything all good.

first of all it sounds to me like you're making a lot of excuses for yourself as per "not having the patience to chase women right now."

I really don't. I have been dating, for the most part of 10 months now. I have gone out with 20+ women. They are all kinds of fucked up in the head. Granted, everyone of them (except one) I met in a bar, but my job and the fact I have a son kind of keeps me from 'hitting on chicks'.

Originally Posted by kegkilla

probably the most fucked up thing i've ever seen a guy write. of course your son has to come first, but then you listed gym as a reason you can't pick up girls? half the reason gyms are built is for dudes to pick up girls bro. assuming you're not some sort of fat slob then it really shouldn't be too hard for you.

It's not, really. My problem is, my standards are set too high, or I am just an asshole... i dont know, but I do not make it far with a girl for whatever fucked up reason. Either I stop talking to her or she stops talking to me. Either way, it usually ends with me not really caring because 'she was not meant for me'...

Originally Posted by kegkilla

its a process of course, not quite the same thing as picking up Etoille at your local dive bar and having your way with her. you have to slowly work your way in with some friendly chit chat etc. for a few weeks then if you're getting good vibes invite her to some sort of low pressure social function, get her drunk and go to town, film it and post it on the internet. anyway back to the point is there is always time to find girls you are lying to yourself if you can't find any. worst comes to worst try internet dating or some shit.

This is where I do not have the patience... not right now, anyways... I realize those kinds of thoughts make me sound desperate, but I really just want a chic that UNDERSTANDS me, wants to hang out and someone that I can feel comfortable enough to have sex with. Which is WHY my ex is... so good for the role?..

Originally Posted by kegkilla

anyway the impression that i get from all of this is that you still got some feelings for your ex wife. thats cool man, totally understandable. i can appreciate that especially cause you got a son with her. but if you really have your sights set on winning her back you've got the wrong strategy. if she didn't love you when you were married, what has changed that would make her love you now? my guess is probably not much. you've got to make some positive changes in your life.

Actually, made a lot. Paid off a lot of bills, almost debt free. I USED to be fat, but lost all of my weight since we were together (went from 355 to 220). I have my own place, my own things and I even have a fucking plant (I read girls dig that kind of shit...). I am still at my same job, but its good for me, so no reason to change it.

Originally Posted by kegkilla

first off, you reak of desperation and she knows it cause broads have a 6th sense for that kind of shit. if she is honestly telling you what you wrote her then her excuses are just as wack as yours, she just feels like shes fucked up her own life with all this bullshit and is having second thoughts. there has never existed a broad who had the capacity to rake in a decent guy but opted to go FWB without having an alterior motive. your first move should be to tell her the FWB was a bad idea and that you've met somebody else. doesn't matter if you have or you haven't, thats what you should tell her. do it politely though, you don't want to look bitter.

Not 'desperate'. I do not want her to see the guy I used to be. The whole reason she grew detached from me was because I ignored her for fucking Video games - Primarily WoW and EQ. She used to (and I am not fucking kidding) beg for me to stop playing and come play a game of cards or just and sit and watch TV with her - My choice. I used to turn down sex too, just so I could fucking raid.

I dont care about that shit anymore. I care about the family I had and lost, so I show her that I HAVE CHANGED. I am there for her, but without appearing desperate. Since we have been talking, there has been only one day I told her how I felt and that I loved her. 1 day out of 5 weeks. and that one conversation lasted about 30 minutes. Not desperate. Showing her I am there for her like I was not before.

Originally Posted by kegkilla

you should sever all contact with her other than arrangements to see your kid and that sort of thing. remain friendly with her, but other than that don't give her the time of day. after that start doing things to improve yourself. try to begin a healthy relationship with a decent woman, improve your appearance, be a good father, and do things that make you happy.

Cant do that, or I show her I am the asshole I was before.

Originally Posted by kegkilla

if you are really that upset about the whole deal just start drinking heavily. it doesn't make you an alcoholic to drink your feelings away when you're depressed. time heals all wounds and you've been cut pretty bad bro. rest assured that in time all these feelings will dissipate. if you follow my advice and become a better man while non aggressively leaving her in the past she will fall to pieces at your feet and beg you to come back. but at that point you'll be feeling so good that you might not even want her back, its your call.

I have done my fair share of drinking. I am pretty sure I have spent close to 3 grand in beer the last 10 months. I stopped drinking because it was not doing anything for me. I started riding my bike and getting back into the gym heavy again. I pay A LOT more attention to my son now.

The thing is, when I felt like I HAD moved on, talking to her felt like the right thing to do.

[Fammaden]

Originally Posted by kegkilla

kegkilla is gonna make everything all good

Haha, thread delivers. Not really the worst thing he's ever posted, but man I couldn't get past the first line there without a laugh.

Anyway, just cut the thread off now Brad. Do whatever and come back in another 6 months or something for the next installment. Not much else can be said right now without dragging the whole topic down.

[Darus Grey]

Kegkilla actually has some decent advice mixed in there.

When looked at objectively most relationships are struggles for power(not the partnerships we LOVE to pretend they are). With one person or the other eventually establishing dominance.

By your posts it's VERY clear your ex was the dominant partner. Taking Kegkilla's advice certainly wouldn't hurt you. Cause if you actually want her back, you're in no position to do so. She knows she has control, and she'll just use you until she can find something better.

Making yourself that "something better" will put you in a bargaining position. Or, you yourself could upgrade.

[Duppin]

Originally Posted by Etoille

you need therapy.

This.

[Brad2770]

Originally Posted by Darus Grey

Kegkilla actually has some decent advice mixed in there.

When looked at objectively most relationships are struggles for power(not the partnerships we LOVE to pretend they are). With one person or the other eventually establishing dominance.

By your posts it's VERY clear your ex was the dominant partner. Taking Kegkilla's advice certainly wouldn't hurt you. Cause if you actually want her back, you're in no position to do so. She knows she has control, and she'll just use you until she can find something better.

Making yourself that "something better" will put you in a bargaining position. Or, you yourself could upgrade.

Youre crazy man. I was the one that was in control. I spent my money how I wanted, I did what i wanted with my time and had sex when i wanted. i was the one that was in control in the relationship. I had no desire to go to the gym and lose weight because I got what i wanted by being fat and lazy. I had no desire t spend time with her because I got sex when i wanted because I was in control. I had no desire to share in her hobbies and interests because my hobbies and interest were more important and so much more expensive. i got what i wanted because I was in control.

She rebelled. She put me in my place. Just like a child rebels against a parent because they do not like their 'control'

She is in control now because the time I was away from her, i really did se what good I had. I know some of you know the feeling of 'the one' that got away. I dont mind being a good guy and being a bit submissive to gain her trust again, only difference is, I will NOT take advantage of her like I did when we were married. I shelved our friendship for bullshit things and took advantage of her love. When we were first married, she would have done ANYTHING for me and pretty much did. She supported my ass for 2 years of our marriage because I was laid off 4 days before we got married. Took me awhile to find a good job... especially when EQ had my fucking attention.

[Darus Grey]

Youre crazy man. I was the one that was in control.

I'm sure it's easier to believe this.

[Brad2770]

Originally Posted by Darus Grey

I'm sure it's easier to believe this.

Then please, explain to me how I got everything I wanted for 5 years of my marriage... seriously.

EDIT

BTW, I am not happy that I was 'in control'. I hate the way I treated her and would not do that again. My next relationship, whether its her or another woman, will be this 'partnership' you speak of.