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Originally Posted by Himeo Untitled, first draft
The fall begins a frenzied movement
**good start here
it seems like everyone around me scrambles
**This line is a bit awkward; it's far too verbose. You could drop it..me and have a deeper impact by replacing them with adj noun. Like cluttered vultures or something. Like, "cluttered vultures scramble to/grab what they can"---that's not really a great example since vultures are cliche---and it's dumb as hell, and poetry must always strive to say something in a new way.
to grab what they can.
**If the 2nd line gets fixed this is good.
I cannot go with them; what I need rushes *ok
toward me as my desires taunt my soul.
**This is probably your weakest line. It doesn't really mean anything. What exactly is your soul? What is mine? What desires? How do they taunt? What I'm driving at here is that you need something concrete.
Things I cannot have.
**It's not a terrible line, but it could probably use a novel rewrite
I have no direction. The guards of**<---curious line break
September expose the cost of my delay.**just cut "my"
The leaves have fallen.
**hrmmm, I'm not sure this line follows what preceeds it. I get where you're trying to go, but I'm not sure you are accurately conveying that. |
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Originally Posted by Lusiphur Hrmm, 2 paragraphs a day is harder than it looks. |
It is! But don't be discouraged, as you get accustomed to it it starts to flow easier.