[Cthuldan]

Well, I had one movie that stood out in my mind as soon as I read the topic. But, you folks mentioned a lot that I completely agree on:

A.I. - I really thought this movie was going to be horrible. But, about a third to halfway in, I really started to get into the whole emotional attachment, visuals, etc. that were being conveyed. But, about three-quarters of the way in, Spielberg delivered a swift kick to my genitals and took me down. All I could think of from that point was pure, unadulterated pain. I give it two flaccid penises.

Time Machine – Once again, another movie in which I wasn’t overly enthusiastic about seeing. However, the first two-thirds of the movie build up had me on the edge of my seat. A man from the past, travels to the future, only to become trapped in an ever spiraling loop, blah blah, etc. *BLAM* another swift kick to the balls, only this time it’s merely a graze to one ball. It still hurts like hell and my eyes are watering, but at least I haven’t started crying. One flaccid penis and a swollen ball down.

Aliens 3&4 – I have this kick ass idea for a series of movies…we’ll start off by inspiring untold horror, scaring the bejesus out of any and all who perceive it. From there, we shall make the mother of all action movies! We’re talking aliens, marines, and guns galore! From there, we’ll mix it in a blender, have it for breakfast and shortly after shit it on the carpet and blame it on the cat. They took what could have been one of the greatest franchises in this nerds meaningless life and shit on it; literally. I’ll put five dollars on the table and wager that somewhere, the directors (Finchner and some French guy) have a copy of these movies sitting on their coffee tables with a big, dried up, stinkin’ terd sitting in the middle of it. Two bowel movements down.

Now, on to the greatest of all hype tragedies. The disastrous, bullshit filled, lied to my fucking face, piece of trash: Reign of Fire. I spent hours masturbating to the hype of this movie. What could be better than modern day human resistance fighting the most feared of all fantasy creatures? Nothing, not even shit stained xenomorphs. When the movie opened up and they talked abut the great war and all that jazz, I was already halfway to climax. Fuck that fat asshole who decided to sit right in front of me even though there were only 4 people in the entire theater (should have been my first clue). I was gonna get him back in the one way I knew how; when I dropped a pound of Uncle Cthuldan’s famous nut butter right in his goddamn lap!

But, it was not to be. For as you know, this worthless piece of time wasting tripe had not a single glorious moment throughout it. I would have had a better time jamming a splintered rake handle in my rectum while playing mary had a little lamb on my nuts like a xylophone. All I left the theatre with was a soft cock and a half empty jar of KY. I merely stumbled out of the theater with cap’n long dong and the boys dangling free, in my almost drunken stupor of disappointment and bewilderment. But fear not loyal readers, I got my $8.50’s worth! I dropped that phat nut in the ticket taker’s eye and punched the manager in the nose declaring my annexation of Texas from the union. Well, at least I should have.