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Drajakur · 04-14-2009, 04:10 PM

I just started playing the game and my first impression is that the writing needs to be streamlined quite a bit. There are some very basic 'mechanical' issues that should be addressed before tackling the larger issue of creating a compelling story. Here are a few examples:

1. 'Awaken my creation'. As written, this sounds as if you are commanding someone to awaken your creation, rather than commanding your creation to wake-up. It should be written 'Awaken, my creation!'.

2. 'A great evil has come into the world. I have made you to go and rid the world of it'. As written, this sounds as if you are making someone go and do something. What you mean, however, is that the player has been brought into being in order to go and rid the world of some great evil. I would write, more directly, 'I am VT, Goddess of Life. I have created you in order to rid the world of a great evil'.

3. When I met some slimes the game said 'Slime emerged'. You are trying to emphasize action here so you should not be using the past tense. I would write 'Slimes emerge!' or 'A slime emerges!'.

4. When you chat with an old man in town, he says at one point 'If you go defeat her I will pay you'. Ugh. Again, more directly, 'Defeat her and I will pay you!' or 'Defeat her! Riches will be yours...' or something. Not only is the 'go defeat' grammatically incorrect, it sounds awful in a fantasy RPG.

5. Same thing a bit later when you talk to the old man again and he says 'Go kill that witch'. It should be just 'Kill that witch!' or even 'Go! Kill that witch!'.

It might seem that I am being petty here, but I expect the issues outlined above are pervasive.

Speaking from the perspective of a one-time professional writer, these sorts of oversights can really and inadvertently detract from the quality of your project. For example, if you were thinking about using this game as a 'demo' of some kind, I would hound you about the writing right from the start.

Looking forward to really getting into the gameplay. Good for you for putting so much work into development. Keep going!

04-14-2009, 04:10 PM	#13 (permalink)
Drajakur I have a competition in me. Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: In the clinch. Posts: 826 +20 Internets	I just started playing the game and my first impression is that the writing needs to be streamlined quite a bit. There are some very basic 'mechanical' issues that should be addressed before tackling the larger issue of creating a compelling story. Here are a few examples: 1. 'Awaken my creation'. As written, this sounds as if you are commanding someone to awaken your creation, rather than commanding your creation to wake-up. It should be written 'Awaken, my creation!'. 2. 'A great evil has come into the world. I have made you to go and rid the world of it'. As written, this sounds as if you are making someone go and do something. What you mean, however, is that the player has been brought into being in order to go and rid the world of some great evil. I would write, more directly, 'I am VT, Goddess of Life. I have created you in order to rid the world of a great evil'. 3. When I met some slimes the game said 'Slime emerged'. You are trying to emphasize action here so you should not be using the past tense. I would write 'Slimes emerge!' or 'A slime emerges!'. 4. When you chat with an old man in town, he says at one point 'If you go defeat her I will pay you'. Ugh. Again, more directly, 'Defeat her and I will pay you!' or 'Defeat her! Riches will be yours...' or something. Not only is the 'go defeat' grammatically incorrect, it sounds awful in a fantasy RPG. 5. Same thing a bit later when you talk to the old man again and he says 'Go kill that witch'. It should be just 'Kill that witch!' or even 'Go! Kill that witch!'. It might seem that I am being petty here, but I expect the issues outlined above are pervasive. Speaking from the perspective of a one-time professional writer, these sorts of oversights can really and inadvertently detract from the quality of your project. For example, if you were thinking about using this game as a 'demo' of some kind, I would hound you about the writing right from the start. Looking forward to really getting into the gameplay. Good for you for putting so much work into development. Keep going!