Man I'm in a good mood now.
Quick, somebody FAIL this up:
A good response to said letter would be "Your path now involves the domestic, homebody life, with your man. You know, that cheating, pot-smoking draft dodger. You remember, he got to be president? And word of advice, my grandma tells me if you get 3 of the big Sunday papers, you can keep yourself busy clipping coupons long until noon rolls around, when you can begin getting sauced and feel a little better about it. On certain Sundays, when you have to appear at like Sizzler opening's and shit, you might to chill on that, though."
Love,
-America
P.S. From this point on, we don't want to see you run or nominate for ANYTHING. We better not even catch you next to the emergency exit on airplanes. No neighborhood watch, flood leader, PTA member, anything. At no point, from now on, do we ever want to see you in a position where your permission or consent is required for something. Someone asking to pee at your house is auto-fail.