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** So You Want to Design Games? **
2003-04-13 21:05:20 - Animal Mother
Do you have at least 8 toes and an IQ above 45 and below 98? If so, we can use you! All that we require is the following:
Able to take orders from those 'higher up,' than you on the 'Totem Pole' and not ask any questions. For example, if we tell you to break an encounter, never ask us why. We'll kill you and rape your pets. We'll do it too... We aren't fucking around.
We will also require that you fuck up something that has to do with class or game balance EVERY single patch. We fully expect you to exploit it on live servers with your play character until you are all sploited out and then we'll fix the bug.
Sound good so far? There's more!
We will nerf encounters based on WHAT you and your guild are capable of doing. Coirnav too hard? No fucking problem - we'll take out our massive nerf sticks and make the encounter doable for your average 90 man zerg gimp force.
What do we want you to do then? It's simple really. We have a lot of broken doors in the game world and at least 100 Level 4 Gnome Paladin and Shadowknight quests that are not properly functioning. As you may have guessed, this is fucking up our game world something awful. You'll be tasked to fix the newbie Gnome quests and while you're at it, fix the goddamn doors. We will also ask that you bring along your third grade teacher to help you correct the 1,094 instances of us completely butchering the English language in game. Anything from basic NPC interactive dialogue to the most complex of stories, most of which are found in the level 4 Gnome Knight quests. Our last 3 designers never fully understood the difference between 'LOSE,' and 'LOOSE.' To tell you the truth, we don't either but the Boss's 13 year old son was complaining. Care for some poop on a stick? Unf Unf... What?? Humping is a sign of affection, ok?
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What do we have here?
What we have here is an encounter that has been broken for MONTHS. The very same encounter blocking about 10 guilds from enterring the Plane of Time. Coincidence? Must be, Sony would never intentionally break content and keep said content broken to prevent its loyal player base from being happy. Although, I have to wonder why the SIX non messable Rathe Councilmen were not summoning the first week this encounter was tested on live servers and then suddenly started to summon after an impromptu patch on Earth B. I get more curious about this change when I put together the pieces of this encounter with the help of this guy:
And realize that this one simple change they made is what completely and totally broke the encounter. I blaspheme, though, this must all be a happy coincidence.
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Below is the highlight of my EQ gaming experiences of the past four months.
This last patch made it so you can aggro and kill NPCs in PoK, Nexus, wherever you coudn't aggro/attack NPCs before. Naturally, I kept my promise and the first piece of shit I killed was this son-of-a-bitch. I think anybody responsible for spell turn-ins for their guild can feel me on this one. Every single time I turned runes in to this guy, I would vow that one day, when I had the opportunity, he would fucking pay the ultimate price for his insolence. That kill was for 100 Yaulp VI and Mark of Righteous turn-ins.
So yea, Vicar Cocksucker is the highlight of FOH's kills in the past four months. Exciting, no?
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Lastly, check out this picture, I think it perfectly encompasses my feelings about Earth, and Everquest in general. Thanks for this...
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How to Aggravate Your Player Base
2003-03-05 22:24:47 - Furor Planedefiler
We all know that when it comes to pissing off one's 'whiney' customers, nobody in the business can top Sony. Now I'm gonna rant... it's gonna be long, it's gonna be gay. Read it if you like, I don't give a fuck either way.
First I will show you a pretty picture to lull you into compliance.
Now that I have your attention.
I. Blowable spawns suck. We learned this when? Anyone? Anyone? We first learned this with the Avatar of War and then later learned to hate it again with damn near 50% of the end game content in Luclin. Now, if you search your records, you will find that you do in fact have a method to counter blowable spawns. For the sake of this argument, we will call it a NON-blowable spawn.
You guys know what this is right? You did it with Rallos Zek so every dipshit gimp and their mother could get 5,000 shots a day in with 400 trained chimpanzees hurling their poop at the poor fucker until he collapsed in a stinky pile of agony and defeat.
What I'm gonna ask for is something you are unfamiliar with - BALANCE. Something in between the ridiculous opportunities that the RZ trigger presents (not to mention the even more ridiculous respawn time after a win of 48 hours) and the absolute absurdity of the Coirnav encounter.
"But Furor..." shut the fuck up I'm not done. I realize that both the Fennin Ro and Coirnav encounters have mini-bosses that net out loot. (1) Is that your only damn problem? (2) Or are you really just assholes who enjoy creating self-cockblocking content which in turn causes grief and strife among the player base? Solution to follow if you fall in category one, also known as comatose or totally brainless.
Remember the Emperor? Remember the Blood of Ssra? Remember how people would farm him for his loot? Remember when you made any Blood spawns after the original to be mundane lootless PHs with the same ability as the real Blood? I'm not gonna spell it out for you Corky because when you figure it out I want you to feel a sense of accomplishment. You guys can throw around a high-five and practice tossing donuts around each other's cocks and then see who can eat the other guy's donut-cock-ring-thing the fastest.
II. Itemization sucks. Itemization may actually suck more than the actual blowable event scenario because most of the shittiest itemizations are on said blowable events. So when you manage to overcome the sheer stupidity of the blowable event, you are slapped in the face with shit like the loot shown above. I mean give us a fucking break. I'm not the only guy 'whining' about this crap. Make the loot WORTH looting, i.e. Xegony loot. Not crap that we can get with far less effort off far easier mobs. While you are at it, if you are at it, the drop rate on Chain Legs specifically is horrible. For the most part, most uber guilds I have spoken with agree with me - the rate is FAR too rare. This is more than just a coincidence, it's straight up broken.
III. Before you decide you need to nerf things like enrage, AE rampage, etc... look at who is throwing in the complaints. Realize you will either have to compensate for the massive nerf you have planned by upping the mobs power considerably, causing even more whiners to vocalize, or you will be stuck with more lame duck/sitting duck Gods that Zerg Guild #592 will just plow through on their way to Plane of Time. If anything 90% of the mobs in elemental planes need substantial upgrades.
IV. Find the guy responsible for the Wood Elf Illusion Crown Quest and beat the fuck out of him. There's nothing I enjoy more than taking a twink to Guk, doing a /who and seeing 18 lvl 65 players AEing the fuck out of the dead side while little fucking Timmy the lvl 42 paladin and his stalwart group of adventurers are left with dick in hand, crying their little eyes out. While you are beating the stupid fuck that made this quest, just remember little Timmy. It'll fuel the rage. You turned a fantastic exp spot into a fucking shitpool. What's next? The Ogre Illusion Cock Ring that requires positive faction with the gnomes in Sol A? What a stupid fucking idea compounded by stupid fucking quest implementation. Make the faction its own damn faction that can only be obtained deep in sebilis or some shit... I know Krup's and above in Sebilis are giving Frogloks of Guk faction, you're on the right track, now change that faction to something else entirely so the shitheads can vacate Guk. Remember Timmy assholes...
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The Dirty Little Secret Nobody Talks About...
2003-02-16 21:07:33 - Furor Planedefiler
You may have noticed something absent from several guild's web pages in the past month or so - that being their previously touted Xegony kills.
As I mentioned in an old update, Xegony was pitiful. She was putting out about 300 dps with an anemic AE and no adds that had to be dealt with before she was face down, sucking dirt and handing over her goods. In short, it was like killing a glorified Diaku Scout.
Enter Xegony v2.0. Just a MEAN mother fucker. So for a month or so nobody has been doing shit with her... until today. We have been honing our strategy for a couple of days. Finally, today, everything clicked and BAM!
Xegony 2.0, welcome to FARM STATUS BITCH.
I'm really oversimplifying everything here, but my guild pulled off an amazing victory. People that have dealt with this new Xegony can vouch for her 'beefcakedness.' This encounter brought back a feeling I hadn't felt in EQ in a VERY LONG time. My heart was pumping every second of every minute of this battle. It was TRULY epic in that manner, which makes it sad to kill a God like Fennin Ro now, who is so ridiculously underpowered in comparison. Looking back at all these encounters since we've faced them all, I think it's safe to say that Fennin really does need to be upgraded to be more in line with the other members of the Pantheon.
Anyways, I highly reccommend this encounter to anyone that enjoys a straight up challenge.
ETA to Time, damn soon...
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